


What Do I Know

by floatingonthelehigh



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Kidnapping, M/M, POV First Person, Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-05
Updated: 2013-03-05
Packaged: 2017-12-04 10:20:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/709657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/floatingonthelehigh/pseuds/floatingonthelehigh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam has been missing for six months. Niall goes insane. Hope is reignited, and Zayn suddenly thinks that he can find his best friend. (Zayn’s point of view)</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Do I Know

**Author's Note:**

> first person...I know...
> 
> (I wrote this months ago...part of the mad switch of everything from tumblr to here)

Niall doesn’t look up. If I shook him enough he would look up, right? That’s all I can remember at the moment as my arms grip his shoulders. I give his shoulders another shake. Finally, I hear a sound escape his lips through the silence.

“Ni, look at me. Niall!” I shout at him. Another sound, fainter this time. I swallow heavily as I peel my eyes across his face, but his eyes still don’t meet mine. “Niall, please, you have to tell me what’s wrong.” I try to make my voice sound firm, but it wavers.

But I feel his muscles tense as his eyes suddenly snap shut. I search his face another time, his body stiff.

“Niall!” I scream. But I can see his muscles are so tense and a thick line is forming on his brow. I finally just let him go, and when I do, he slumps down to the ground. I lean back in my knees, bringing my hands up to rest behind my head, breathing deeply, trying not to panic.

Louis is only down at the truck stop. We’re only a couple hundred yards from him. But he could be anywhere really, what do I know?

“Louis!” I shout at the top of my lungs.

 

I wait a full minute, lungs trying to suck in air and eyes searching all around me, but all I hear is birds chirping in the dark trees above me as attempt to pick up Niall again, holding his head against my chest. He doesn’t move, and I can feel my heartbeat thumping into Niall’s head, and it scares me. So much so that I start to hear my own breathing go tense, a loud, wheezing sound. I should not be panicking. Louis will come. He has to.

 

Another minute passes, and Niall hasn’t moved. I can feel myself becoming restless, as my heart hammers in my ears and my feet start to fall asleep.

“Niall, we need to move.” I say loudly, shaking him again. No response. I tear my eyes away from him to look around again. I don’t know if I’ll be able to carry him. In fact, I know I can’t. I’m not nearly as strong as I should be, and in the state I’m in, with shaking limbs and pounding heart, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to stand up.

“Louis!” I shout again. “Louis!” I feel my heart suddenly tighten up as I let out another shaking breath and my voice cracks.

 

“Liam…” I feel myself try to scream, but nothing comes out. There’s a moment where my arms go loose around Niall, Because I know Liam has no idea I’m calling him. He’s no where near here.

 

Because I haven’t seen Liam in six months.

 

Because he’s disappeared.

 

Another quake of shudders hit me as my grip goes tighter around Niall. I can feel Liam’s reassuring hand on my back as he comforts me, as I sat in this same position all those months ago. Warm words like syrup dripping slowly back into my brain, seeking their way into my very inner mind, permanently tattooing themselves to me. I can feel his presence, right there behind me. I dip my head a little, going to brush my neck against his hand rested there.

 

When I hit nothing but my shoulder, I feel the numbness hit me. A horrible empty void opening up in me. I hear myself suck in a breath as I hear the police officer ringing the doorbell of Louis’s flat, echoing into my very being. I see his face, solemn as he tells us “we’re so very sorry, boys. Liam hasn’t been seen since last night.

…We’ve sent out search parties… and we’re trying to fight him right now-“

The voice is broken by Niall’s screams and my eyes snap open, my body turned to face Niall who’s only a few feet away on the hardwood floor, wrapped up in his sleeping bag as the moonlight streams through the half-covered windows. His eyes are open but blank and a deathly scream escapes him as he cries Liam.

 

And then I’m back, and Niall is back in my arms in the forest, my arms around him the same way they were that night; warm. Attempting to console him. But now it’s different, as I can’t just simply wake him up from this dream, because I think that this time it’s serious and I won’t be able to do this on my own.

The knowledge that I can’t even help Niall sends a small whimper to my throat as I choke back panicked tears.

“Zayn?” I hear a shout from far away. For a second, I rip my head up from where it was placed on top of Niall’s and look around. Liam, he’s here. Liam’s back.

“Zayn,” the voice calls again. I feel the emptiness stay, but at the same time my heart races.

“Louis!” I call back, my voice cracking. I feel myself looking toward the edge of trees, where I can see two tiny shadows dodging in and out of the trees. I lift the arm that isn’t wrapped around Niall and wave it wildly until I can see their full shapes against the almost-black.

“Zayn! Niall, we’re coming!” I hear Harry’s raspy voice shout, echoing through the trees above me.

Finally they’re so close that I can hear the bushes and leaves rustling as they push past them. Harry breaks through the foliage first, and when he does he stops suddenly when he sees Niall.

“What happened?” he asks, coming closer. Louis breaks through the last bush too, and heaves when he comes to a stop.

“He just kept walking. And then he started running in front of me…and once I found him he was here…just sitting like this, and he won’t look at me, and now he’s-” I just stop, and Louis looks at me in concern. He takes another deep breath.

“Do you think it has to do with-” he starts, but then catches himself. He should have known better.

Harry, Lou and I all exchange a look. Finally, Harry runs over and bends over Niall.

“Niall?” he asks. Niall only lies in my arms, muscles tense and eyes clenched tight.

“We’ve got to get him to the car,” I say. Louis only nods, starting to bend over, and the three of us somehow lift Niall’s rigid body from the ground and carry him like a child out of the woods. It’s silent between us. For me, I’m simply quiet because if I speak I’ll burst into tears, as I blink repeatedly to keep my vision clear.

Harry and Louis only direct with jerks of their heads which way to go, and finally when we emerge from the woods where Niall and I were walking together completely fine only minutes ago, we’re exhausted. We can see the car only fifty yards away, and we struggle to keep Niall up as we shuffle over to the car.

“Do you know how to get to the nearest hospital?” I ask Louis, who has hopped into the drivers seat. I can see his upper face in the mirror and his eyes look anxious as he starts the car and doesn’t answer my question. Harry’s next to Louis in the passenger seat, and he takes a shaky breath that I can hear him inhale in the silence of the car.

“Harry, please look at the map,” Louis says, soft and very controlled, he says, moving the car forward. I recognized this voice; it was the one he used when he was trying not to cry. I had heard it before and figured it out, but I never tried to comfort him when I heard it. Because he’s Louis. And he’s strong, and the oldest, and he certainly doesn’t cry in front of his best mates.

 

Harry struggles to get the map out and I see his hands are shaking. “Take a left here,” he says softly, not trying to hide how his voice is shaking.

 

Niall’s head is on my lap, his eyes still locked closed, and as we drive into the late night I find myself simply smoothing his blonde hair back from his eyes as we drive out of the woods and onto the highway.

The lights from the streetlamps high above us on the highway and the red and white lights from cars around us cast dramatic shadows on Niall’s face. I rest my head on my hand and just look at him, thinking back when he was smiling and drinking and laughing, his face leaned back towards the moon laughing for no apparent reason.

 

Louis stares straight ahead at the road, and Harry only speaks when he gives directions. Louis takes sharp turns, and no matter what, I can only see him looking straight ahead. His eyes don’t flit away, only stare ahead, guarded, emotionless.

Niall’s head feels heavy in my lap by the time we arrive at a hospital off the side of a road somewhere in a small town. There are bright lights everywhere and lots of cars and the sound of a plane overhead as we collectively hurry to pick Niall up. We walk into the emergency centre to bright lights and the horrible sterile smell that only comes with the intensive care unit of a hospital.

A nurse rushes over and suddenly I can’t seem to hear anymore.

It’s like all sound has gone out of my head as I see Harry talk to the nurse pointedly, his eyes wide and nervous. I see the nurse nod and rush away, and come back with a gernie and other nurses.

I feel my limbs releasing Niall onto the hard surface and his body looks so out of place; his blonde hair framing his pale face that looks scrunched up and angry, his dark green hoodie standing out against the white.

I still can’t hear, and all I can do is stare as Niall is wheeled away, until I feel Harry’s hand on my arm, pulling me away.

 

It is when he is in the hospital that first night when Niall is labeled “mentally unstable”.

 

 

Harry, Louis and I have been renting a room in a hotel across the street from the hospital. The beds are hard and the window overlooks a busy street, but we’re comfortable and it’s easy access to see Niall every day.

It’s nine in the morning and Harry and Lou are still asleep; I haven’t been able to sleep all night. A long hot shower won’t do me any good and I know it. So I put on a white t-shirt and some black jeans and just leave my hair; it won’t make a difference anyway.

I quickly run across the street to the care unit, where we all are allowed to see Niall at almost any time because Harry charmed our way past all the female workers here, of course. He’s always been that way. To the nurses we’re just the three best friends who’s poor mate is insane. So I just walk past them at the desk and they understand, because I don’t talk to anyone but Niall when I come here.

Niall is in one of the private rooms, because the doctors want to make sure every patient is safe from him. Because he’s just that vicious when he doesn’t move at all.

I open the door and am surprised to see a small nurse standing by Niall’s bedside table, placing a tray on it. When I duck inside, she looks up and smiles, a white flash of teeth and dimples peeking out. She beckons me over. Unknowing what to do, I follow.

“I think we almost got something,” she says, looking down at Niall. He’s facing away from us, only his hand and some blonde sticking out through the top of the blanket. I swallow. “I walked in and he made a noise.” she says, eyes still locked on mine. I feel her eyes on me and glance over, then look back at Niall when I see she’s trying to look me in the eye.

“I better go report this,” she says, and scoots out of the way of the bed. “You can call me if you need anything,” she says, still smiling, before shutting the door. I don’t know her name. I wouldn’t be able to call her even if I tried. But her smile burns its way into my brain and I shake my head to get it out.

“Hey, Niall.” I say, pulling up the chair to his bedside. He’s facing away from me, and I know he’ll probably stay that way throughout the day. So I just sort of stare at the door as I talk.

“They never asked me what happened,” I say. “They asked Harry and Louis what had happened to you that night, but not me. I wonder why,” I say, mostly to myself. “Am I too intimidating for them, or something?” I ask with a chuckle, remembering how when I had first met Niall he had almost been afraid to talk to me, and had told me later I intimidated him, with my died hair and lip piercing. We had laughed over plates of pizza later that night.

A long minute passes of just silence and the heart monitor. Then I start to think out loud again.

“I remember everything, you know. A lot, at least. I remember how you were, yeah? Before Liam was…” I say. When I say his name out loud, it feels like I’ve been shot in the chest.

 

I feel white hot nervousness rush through me. “It shouldn’t hurt this much, they said it wouldn’t.” I say, literally clutching my chest. The counselor had said it would take time to heal, but I had thought that by now things would have been better. That it would be easier to breath. “Is this how it is for you? Every time you turn into this?” I gesture my hand to him, and just leave it there, hanging in midair.

 

It had happened before. Niall had zoned out; cut us completely off. He had shut down, but never like this. Never to this extent. Liam going missing had him struggling every day, and I could feel it. I could see it on his face and in the way he sometimes sat for an hour on the couch, the TV not even on, just watching, and hurting.

And so were the rest of us, really.

Because it was so sudden, like each of us had been punched square of the face and then left to bleed into the ground.

 

I had even met Niall through Liam. Actually, we had all met each other through Liam. Liam was all contagious smile, shaggy brown hair and crinkly eyes and football bag slung over one shoulder as he walked across campus. He was everyone’s friend, but somehow he just gravitated towards each of us. Louis through choir, Harry through English, Niall through math and me through art.

It had been freshman year and I didn’t know what I was doing yet, just simply moving through the motions of every day and not really living. I was really all around numb. Just sketching in notebooks and smashing things pleased me. But then in walks Liam with his teddy-bear face and his laugh and there I am, paintbrush in hand, and he comes in and takes over.

And then Liam somehow gets us together as one inseparable group throughout the year, Louis and Harry end up holding hands down the halls and I finally understand who I am and Niall realizes he finally has good friends and he tells us all the time. That he’s glad we’re his friends.

And Liam would just laugh because he was happy that he had his group of best friends and satisfied that he had made it all happen.

 

 

“Niall, do you want to eat something?” I ask. The nurse had placed a packet of crackers on his tray but they knew they still had to feed him through a tube. There was always just the hope that he would finally come to his senses sooner or later. That he would open his eyes or speak or do something.

My voice echoes through the silence.

“Why are you doing this, Niall?” I ask, placing a hand on his back through the blanket. I could feel my anxiety starting to creep up again, like it always did. “Why did you do this? You were supposed to be getting over Liam now.” My voice is quiet and leaves my mouth before I want it to. “He’s gone, Niall.” When I say it I feel a lump form in my throat and I clutch a hand to my mouth.

 

I leave the room to get a drink and to push all my tears back into my eyes. I’m bent over the water fountain when I feel a hand on my shoulder. Flinching, my mind races. Liam.

I whip around and Harry jumps back in surprise, his mouth dropping open.

I straighten and swallow, wiping my mouth.

“Where’s Lou?” I ask. The curly boy usually always had his feather-haired boyfriend with him.

“Bathroom,” Harry says quickly. “When’d you show up here?” he asks.

“Just half an hour ago. Don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything,” I say a little sarcastically, because I’m still aching from my visit with Niall.

“Zayn,” Harry says, scraping one hand through his curls. Those green eyes seem to see right through me. Then again, that was one of the many talents of Harry; seeing people.

“I’ve realized that we never really talked. About Liam.” he says, placing a hand on my shoulder, and it hits me hard. This is all too much. I stammer.

“Sure we have. Back when it mattered,” I say, and immediately regret it. Because I definitely should not have said that, especially to Harry. He backs up a little from me, eyebrows knotted together.

“Liam will always matter.” Harry says, his voice so soft and innocent I immediately feel myself reddening with shame.

“I didn’t-”

“He’s not gone forever, Zayn. He could be out there. We don’t know. He’s not dead. Don’t act like he’s dead-“ he says desperately.

“How do you know?” I practically shout at Harry. I hear him swallow.

“We just need to keep looking.” Harry says.

“The police have been looking for six months,”

“I don’t care! It’ll take time, but we’ll find him. And we need to tell Niall that, so he’ll wake up and we can all go search, and we can find him, and…” Harry is breathing heavily, and suddenly, I tear my eyes from the floor to look up when I hear him make a pained noise.

His eyes are watering and his hand is pressed to his mouth, his eyes staring at me. I feel my arms start to wrap around him, pulling him close, as he chokes back a sob. His hand stays on his mouth and the hug is uncomfortable, but I feel Harry’s breathing start to slow.

“We’ll figure it out,” I say, gripping him tighter. “We’ll…figure it out,”

But I suddenly felt a little bit of my torn heart piece itself back together. Because Harry is right. I’d given up.

I couldn’t give up now.

I had to find Liam.

For Niall.

For Louis.

For Harry.

But that’s all I can seem to say at the moment.

 

 

It was Louis’ idea to go to that park. We were all numb and we hadn’t really had a good time since “Liam” happened. Louis had seen some national park on the internet and he was persistent to us that we go check it out.

“It could be fun,” he said coaxingly, and Harry immediately agreed because he’s Harry. I was a little less eager of course, but Niall had been extra out of it lately and we all secretly agreed that Niall needed a distraction from the constant reminders of Liam everywhere. In the car, in the flat, in the town. We needed to get away, for the sake of our sanity.

So we had packed up the car with food in coolers and a couple sleeping bags and a tent Louis swore he could put up and I even made a CD with all our favorite songs to listen to. Niall had even sung along and I hadn’t seen him that satisfied in a while.

When we made it to the park we were all excited to hike and swim and really do anything we wanted, and we spent two days cooking hotdogs over a fire and sleeping on the ground and trying not to hear Harry and Louis’ sounds of making out throughout the night. At the same time though, it was them, and we were us. So, it was sort of like hearing your parents say ‘I love you’. Gross, yet comforting.

And Niall finally looked happy. We all woke up in the tent, sprawled across the ground in our bags and sleepy smiles were exchanged in the early morning. The light was just coming through part of the roof, and we had been woken by sounds of zippers being unzipped and birds chirping.

The ground outside was wet and cold and we all rushed into the forest for a wee and it was so cold and we were exhilarated and sort of giddily laughing as we sprinted back to the warmness of our sleeping bags and the tent.

Then after a day of hiking miles of trails, Harry eating all the m&ms in the trail mix and me taking pictures of birds and wildflowers and Niall, we had come back with sore legs and slept that second night soundly. It was a full three days since Niall had had a nightmare, and he seemed even happier that next morning when he woke each of us with a slap across the face, laughing hysterically.

Then we went to the lake in the afternoon and it turned out to be murky and brown, and we all sort of silently decided that it’d be best if we all just left the park and started home. We’d had our fun and all of us were sore from sleeping on the ground.

During the drive, It had been quiet and I announced I had to take a wee and Niall agreed sleepily, and when Harry pulled over in a small parking lot by a intimidating-looking convenience store in the middle of nowhere, Niall and I both agreed we didn’t want to go inside and went to the forest nearby.

That was when Niall had started to walk in front of me, and he didn’t stop when I called. Then he had started running, faster than I thought he could through the foliage. I had followed, and then hearing his screams I found him.

 

I think that maybe we should have expected it. He’d been acting strange ever since “Liam” and we thought it was just his grieving process, but it just kept on going. All during those six months it was building up to this moment. His dreams were riddled with nightmares every night and he was always distant. I guess it was only a matter of time before it came to this.

Niall is just so emotionally invested in everything. He even cried for days after the ending of Titanic, though he claims that never happened. I can only imagine what it must have felt like for him, losing Liam like that. So suddenly. And knowing that he might be dead, but that there’s no way we can find him.

Because if it hurts like hell to me, than it must be even worse for him.

 

So what became as just him being quiet and solemn most of the time turned into him just tuning out to what we were saying. And then, this. This horrible mess. And he might never wake up.

 

 

“Should we go out today?” An unshaved Louis asks me, his eyes bright compared to the rest of ours as he reaches across the dresser for a can of Coke. I turn to him, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror behind him, my hair a mess around my face and my plaid shirt hanging loose around my thin frame.

“I don’t see why not,” Harry says, agreeing. I swallow, and shrug, walking over to my bed. In the hotel room, there were only two beds, and it was unquestioned that Louis and Harry would share the other one. And since we’d been staying here for almost two weeks now, I was kind enough to wander down aimlessly to the lobby every night for an hour or two so they could do what they pleased. Even then, sometimes I would walk back upstairs and the door would be locked, or I’d walk inside to flushed cheeks or messy hair as they lay watching TV. And I’d pretend like I saw nothing unusual. Because that was normal for us, apparently.

“Well, we need to do something, not just sit here like a bunch of idiots,” Louis says, causing me and Harry to both turn, shocked, to Louis. He simply tightens his jean jacket around his shoulders. I remember he got that after Harry had pointed out how cute it was when we went to the mall on Niall’s birthday. The memory makes me want to dig my fingernails into my palms.

“Who’s gonna check on Niall?” I ask quietly. Louis turns to me.

“He’s not going anywhere,” he says, almost pointedly. A deathly silence courses through the three of us as we realize what Louis means, before Harry stands, his necklace jingling in the complete silence.

“It’ll just be a couple hours. We’ll be back before dark,” Harry says, before glancing at his watch. “It’s only four. We can go out to dinner or something,” he says, his voice overly gentle and friendly, as he puts on a smile. Louis places a hand on his back, and I suddenly feel very small with them standing over me.

“You coming?” Louis asks.

I stand up, and before we know it we’re in Louis’ car and driving away from the hotel, from Niall, just for the afternoon.

 

Louis insists we go to a local diner that is vacant, even though there’s a perfectly good quality restaurant across the street. He holds Harry’s hand and I wipe my hand across my forehead, even though it’s not too hot. The waitress is wearing too much red lipstick and the coffee isn’t the way I like, but being in the booth with two of my best friends is enough for now.

“Zayn, you need to shave” Louis says while I take a huge bite of a greasy burger. I give him a small smile.

“I shave when I want.” I say. He smiles.

“If it gets any longer you’re gonna have a full on beard” he says, which makes Harry chuckle.

“Well what about you? You’ve got a mess of stubble growing there yourself,” I say, reaching over to jokingly pet his chin. Louis laughs.

“But it’s a great look on me,” he says, tipping his chin to the side as Harry gives a grunt of affirmation, eyeing his boyfriend. I widen my eyes.

“And you don’t think that’d be a good look on me?” I ask, now stroking my peach fuzz. I see Harry’s tongue flick out as he takes another bite of his burger and Louis says “of course not”. Before “Liam”, I would try to argue with Louis more, maybe insult his haircut or his favorite pair of shoes. But I just don’t feel like it’s right anymore. Because I love those things about him. And if they were gone, I don’t know what I would do.

 

We pay the waitress and Harry complains about his stomach hurting but Louis placing his hand on his shoulder and Harry stops. We walk out to the car as the sun is falling fast from the sky, but Louis hasn’t had his fun yet.

“We can’t seriously go back now, it’s so early,” he says, a little whiney. Harry looks back at me from the wheel and gives me an apologetic look. I shrug.

“We can go somewhere if you want,” I say. Louis looks smug in the side mirror as Harry pulls out of the parking lot.

Louis finds himself a club. A small one on the inside of the town, with people pouring out, as he promises Harry that they’ll get a drink and they won’t stay too late.

“You’re okay with this?” Harry asks me, because he knows Louis never will. I nod, but really I just want to hear the steady beeping on Niall’s machine and the cold seat of the hospital chair. Because it’s almost an unspoken promise to myself; that I’ll be there when Niall comes back. When he snaps back into sanity, I’ll be there.

 

But I follow them into the club, brushing shoulders with strangers, and a weird sort of techno music starts thumping through my veins as I see a wave of human limbs waving in the air, silhouettes against the lightened stage. A band is playing, and people are talking and shouting and bubbles of laughter can be heard around the room. I promise myself that I won’t lose Harry or Louis, I’ll stand there while they make out if I have to, because I don’t like these kind of places and never have. Another pain in my chest.

Liam did.

 

We find ourselves at the bar soon enough, and Louis gives Harry the drink he promised. I get myself a plain beer even though I’m not legal, but the bartender doesn’t seem to care. I follow them into the crowd, Louis leading the way as usual, holding Harry’s fingers loosely as they both melt into the crowd. And then they’re gone.

I just sort of stand there, shocked, as they disappear, holding my beer tightly in my hand. Everyone around me is moving some other way, wide smiles and flailing limbs. I can feel the bass pump through me. I just stretch my neck farther over the crowd to look for them.

I cannot lose them.

I feel my anxiety start to take over. All of my friends are gone. First Liam, poor Liam…kidnapped from me, then Niall, prisoner to his own mind, and now Harry and Louis, lost forever in this crowd. And that makes me start to suffocate.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, and as always, I think Liam, but when I turn around it’s some girl with wide eyes and an insane mane of curly hair. She’s smiling at me and starts to sway, mouthing something. “What?” I shout over the thumping. She leans over towards me and says loudly, “dance!”. I stare at her for a second, her smile, her eyes, and sort of nod. I’m completely distracted, but she’s smiling so genuinely I lose my train of thought.

I try to give her sort of a crooked smile as I start to sway side to side, soon packed in with the other people surrounding me. The curly-haired blonde smiles wider and starts to bounce up and down with the music, even grabbing my arm that isn’t holding a beer and lifting it above my head and twirling under it. She’s pretty cute. I could stay here for a while. For minutes I think to myself, “everything’s fine, I’m fine, I’m ok,”. But even my minute of bliss is broken.

I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket and the screen is bright against the darkness and the flashing lights. I read the screen and see Banfield Hospital’s number and my mouth tightens so much I think my teeth with break.

I look up slowly, and the wild-hair girl is gone, and I whip my head around, as the world almost moves in slow motion. I’m running to get out of the crowd, and when I break through the front door I hit answer on the phone.

“Hello, is this Zayn Malik?” I hear a female voice say.

“Uh…yes, yeah,” I stumble out. There’s a moment of hesitation.

“Yes…um…Niall’s awake…he’s calling for you. Uh…screaming, actually.” I hear her say. There’s sounds of doors shutting and people talking on the other end. I whip my head around.

“I’ll be there soon,” I say, not pausing to hear her response before running back into the club.

Harry and Louis. They can’t be gone. I have to find them, they have to be here.

I rush past everyone in a sort of drunken haze, my blood spilling over with adrenaline. It was hard enough getting past the ring of people that sort of stood by the outside, drinks in hand, in order to get to the dance floor. They had to be dancing here somewhere.

I feel a wave of anger wash over me. I stop moving, waiting in the middle of the pulsing crowd. I tear my eyes around the room, but al I see are blurs of hair and faces and clothes.

“Zayn?” I hear a voice say to my right. I turn slowly and Harry is there, his lips parted in surprise and his baggy t-shirt hanging loosely at his sides. I see him glance over his shoulder and there’s Louis coming up behind him.

“What’s wrong?” I hear Harry ask. I know I must look deranged and panicked, as I’m unable to unclench my fist.

“The hospital called…” I say, panting. I didn’t realize how scared I am until now. I watch as both of their eyes widen.

“What’d they say?” I see Louis mouth. But I can’t hear over the huge dubstep remix that has begun over the speakers and I gesture around me.

“Can we go outside?” I shout. Harry gives a single determined nod and they start to head for the door. I follow, keeping with them this time.

 

Louis slams the car door closed.

“Why is Niall calling for you?” He practically shouts, swearing afterwards when his seat belt repeatedly gets jammed. I pull my knees up to my chest in the passenger seat, shaking my head.

“I don’t know!” I shout back.

“Well, you did visit him the most,” Harry says, more calm than I could ever hope to be. Louis nods. “Yeah, maybe. But I don’t know…he wasn’t listening to what you said, was he? What did you say?” he asks. We’re pulling out of the street side parking and the heat is seeping through the cracked window.

“I didn’t say anything important…just…rambled.” I say. Which is true.

I rambled about a year ago when it was winter and we played football outside in the snow with no gloves because we thought they weren’t cool and I had talked about Liam in his striped scarf that we all hated. I had paced across the hospital floor, talking about when Niall’s hair was short, when he had walked out of his car when he drove to Harry’s house with his new haircut and we all ran to hug him because he had grown quite the blonde mop and we all loved him.

I had told everything to Niall. How during the third month that I knew Liam was missing I smashed my sculpture. The one that I’d been working on since fifth grade and the one that Liam had helped form with his own hands that one day when he came to my house and he saw it and helped, his clay-caked fingers rolling over the grey muck, shaping it into something I hadn’t even thought of. I had smashed it against my driveway and then went inside and cried.

I had told Niall that I feel bad about thinking about Liam, and mostly just Liam and how I miss Liam and how I need Liam, when there’s other aspects of my life too. How I feel guilty about not caring about my family as much anymore; I barely return their calls and ignore their pleas to send me back to UNI in the fall. Maybe if I cared more about school and my future than my friends and Liam than I’d be happier. And then I’d feel guilty for even thinking that when Liam could be out there waiting for me.

I had told Niall that the worst part about Liam is that we don’t know if he’s dead or not, don’t know weather to mourn him or keep hoping. I said that it had gotten harder and harder to keep hoping. But that was mostly it.

“Well he’s awake,” Louis says, and a sort of relief washes over the three of us in the little car. Because he’s awake, and alive. And at least I can rest with that in my mind.

 

There’s a moment of hesitation where we all just sort of look at each other before entering Niall’s room. I could hear muffled noises from inside the door like he’s talking, but Harry won’t open the door.

“Haz,” Louis whispers, and I hear Harry swallow. He knows that he should be opening this door, but I see his eyes are locked on the floor.

“Okay,” he breathes out.

The door creaks open slowly and then I see Niall. His blonde hair a mess around his head, sitting up, the baby blue hospital blanket a mess around his legs.

“Zayn?” I hear him ask. His eyes are so blue, I had almost forgotten what they were like. The only thing that’s changed about him is the missing smile and the flesh from his cheeks.

“Yeah, I’m here,” I say, standing in the middle of that hospital room. I feel Louis and Harry shuffling next to me. Niall looks over to them.

“Louis, and Harry…hey guys,” he says, a small smile forming. I feel myself starting to smile too.

“Do you remember what happened?” Louis asks, coming closer to Niall’s bed. Like a child, Niall scrunches up his face and shakes his head briskly.

“The nurses tried to tell me. But, please, can I just talk to Zayn for a second, please?” he asks. Louis backs up from the bed and nods quickly.

Harry looks back at me before he closes the door, his mouth in a straight line and his eyes confused and nervous. I know he’s thinking exactly what I am; what does Niall want from me?

 

Niall wastes no time once the door clicks shut.

“Zayn, what’s going on? We’re walking in the woods and then, this?” he asks, his eyes darting around the room. “I woke up and I was so confused, and scared, I started screaming…” he says, lowering his head, ashamed. I walk over to the bed and squat down so my face is level with the mattress. So I don’t have to look him in the eyes.

“You just went into some sort of coma, but you weren’t asleep. For a week and a half.” I feel Niall watching me.

“But I don’t remember anything like that, Zayn! I just remember walking in the forest with you…and then you talking to me.” he says. He stops for a long time, looking up, trying to imagine something. I notice that the hospital gown washes his skin out and makes him look as white as the walls. “Like, far-away, like I was underwater and you were talking above me.” he says quietly after a while.

I frown. “Maybe…you could hear me. I was talking to you a lot while you slept…” I say. I finally look up. Niall hunches over even more, rubbing a hand across his face.

“I knew I had a problem, Zayn. But am I really that crazy? I went into a coma…what’s wrong with me?” he asks, his voice starting to shake. I put my head down again.

“We all deal in different ways, Niall.” I say after a while. It takes a moment for him to realize what I was talking about.

“Oh…” he says. I watch him rub his eyes. “I get it,” he says. A moment of silence passes through us, but this time, knowing that Niall’s awake and probably watching me is almost unreal.

 

“I think I would feel a lot less crazy if I didn’t remember something,” Niall says. I look up at him, running a hand through my hair. We’re close to each other, and I simply breathe out “what?”. Backing away a couple inches, I watch his face. Were his eyes always this wide? I think I would’ve noticed. Maybe it’s the medicine? Insanity?

Niall grunts a little, looking upset.

“I remember something about Liam.” Niall says. I swallow, waiting. I haven’t heard him say his name out loud in months.

“I remember him telling me where he was going that night. Or something. The night he went missing? Er, talking on the phone about it. I just happened to be listening,” Niall says, slowly and drawn out with each syllable, like he’s trying to find the perfect way to say it. I feel like my heart’s just jumped to my throat. I croak out a “what?” again. Niall looks at the blank wall next to him and I wait, keeping my eyes locked on where Niall’s looking.

“Niall, where was he going? The police said they didn’t have any leads to where he might be. You have to tell me…this could be it!” I say quickly. I feel myself stand up, smile reaching my face. “We’re gonna find him, Niall!” I could hear the promise I had made to myself echoing in the back of my mind. I could find Liam.

He’s just looking at me. He hasn’t seemed to catch my excitement yet.

“But what if I’m just imagining it?” Niall says, putting his head in-between his knees.

 

I knew Niall. He never gets like this. If there’s an idea, he’s usually all for it. And this could be the lead we need to find Liam. Why wouldn’t he be jumping at the chance to find him?

If he’s like this, there must be some serious doubts in Niall’s mind. And his mind isn’t well enough to begin with.

“Just say it, Niall. We could find him. He could come back.” I say quietly, trying to sound as gentle as I can. He pushes his covers off the bed, looking like he’s fighting off some sort of shudder.

“I think he said he was going to an island. Washington Island. To stay hidden. That he’d have to be back on the mainland in three days…”

He stops speaking for about a minute, staring ahead. “It sounds even crazier out loud.” he says. He pushes his hands to his eyes, mumbling to himself. “But it’s like he’s right there, telling me,” he says.

“It feels like that sometimes, yeah?” I ask, coming back by the bed. I hear the door open and Louis walks in, quietly, his eyes gentle and his footsteps soft. So unlike Louis.

“Hey, Niall. I couldn’t wait. How are you doing?” he asks, coming over by us. I shove my hands in my pockets, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. For Louis, Niall turns on his charm and smiles brightly when Louis asks him questions. I end up wandering out the door unnoticed. Niall was serious about this. He knew that Liam had said that. And I’m crazy to believe him; but Liam did always say that I was a bit crazy.

 

The nurse gives us medication for Niall and soon enough, days later he’s allowed to leave. When he first gets back in the car, the first thing he says is “it smells the same in here.” For some reason it makes Harry’s eyes start to water and I can see him wiping his eye on his sleeve.

“Well, we just have to drive across the street and pack up our stuff. Then we can go home, Niall.” Louis says, glancing at the blonde boy in the mirror. I look to him beside me. I feel something tugging at me.

“What?” I ask. Once I say it, it’s out. “We can’t go home.” I watch Louis’ hands as they clench up around the wheel.

“Why not?” he asks. His voice is tense, and I know he’s controlling himself. I clear my throat.

“Because, we have to go to Washington Island. Niall said that he remembered Liam saying that he was going there. The night before.” I feel a cold hand clench my thigh. It’s Niall, and when I look over to him his eyes are staring daggers into mine.

There’s a long pause. “Is this true?” Harry asks. Niall doesn’t release my leg.

“Uh, yeah.” he says. I see Harry look over at Louis, who is obviously struggling to concentrate on driving.

“Well…we weren’t told about this,” he croaks out.

“I…I was meaning to tell you,” Niall says quietly, shrinking back into his seat. We pull into the hotel’s parking lot, and Louis whips the car into the spot we’d been using since we started staying here.

“You can tell us after we pack, Niall. I guess were not going home, after all.” Louis says, and gets out of the car. Harry turns to look at us.

“He’s um…not in a very good mood,” Harry says, looking out the window after Louis. “But he’ll be fine.” he says, and gets out of the car. I go for the door handle when Niall speaks.

“Why the hell did you tell them?” he asks angrily. I look back at him.

“Because, we can find him, Ni!” I say. Niall stares at me accusingly.

“It was just a stupid dream, Zayn. Nothing has changed. He’s still gone. And obviously, I’m still crazy.” he says, and goes for the door. I see sadness and confusion flicker in his eyes and I go after him. I go out my side of the car and am met with a burst of wind and the midmorning sun.

“We can at least try, Niall.” I say. I’m surprised how strong and steady I sound. Something happened to me when Harry and I had spoke days ago. Months ago, I never would have been talking about Liam. I wouldn’t be talking to anyone.

I guess something had shifted in me. I needed to find Liam. There was hope.

But Niall just keeps walking.

 

 

“Washington Island is what, three hours away? Don’t you think the police would’ve checked in that area by now?” Louis asks, that tinge of annoyance still in his voice. Niall is still curled up in his seat, not looking at the rest of us. I’m praying that he doesn’t tune us out again.

“It’s an island, hun. I don’t think they would have thought to,” Harry says. He and I lock eyes for a second and I give him a small smile, thankful that he’s with me on this finally. Harry and I were of course drifting apart throughout the last couple months, although I was with everyone.

It was just a little reminder of how Harry could just get me, how he knew how serious I was about this trip after almost completely giving up hope. I wish I could tell him that he inspired me to keep hoping.

I find myself smiling at Harry for quite a while.

 

It’s almost the same situation we were in a couple weeks before, back when this whole mess with Niall had only begun. I’m still sitting with Niall’s head in my lap, but this time his neck is smooth and relaxed against me as he sleeps. Harry is in the passenger seat again and Louis is driving, though this time his head gently bobs with the music and he gives a small smile at me in the rearview mirror sometimes.

 

We used to do things like this, with Liam. We would all decide that for a weekend we would just go driving, and we’d end up drinking in some hotel room that Liam had got us into. Niall would always complain about the luxury of the places we stayed in, since Liam’s parents were loaded and he could just take as much money as he wanted and really had all the freedom her could ever need. but I remember him telling me when he was wasted and half passed out on a luxury pillow that he wished he had my life, or like the rest of us. Who had to work for what we wanted. Who had problems. I could remember the drunken smile he’d given me. “I wish I could have your life, Zany,” he had said, slurring his nickname for me at the end. “You get to work for yourself…and you get to have your own dreams and everything,” he said. I had told him to piss off because he was drunk, but never forgot. Because that’s all I could seem to do now with Liam, hold onto any memory that I could.

But now, we’re missing one member of our circle, of our group of once-inseparable mates. But I straighten up a little in my seat as I realize that we could, in fact, be getting closer to that again right now.

 

It’s almost dark when we get to the ferry. We’d been getting lost about every half mile, and Louis and Harry were both tense about the map and which direction to take. So when we finally could smell the lake through our cracked windows and saw the shimmering water emerge through the trees, we all exhaled together.

“Are we supposed to like, buy tickets and stuff?” Louis asks, looking pointedly back at Niall. Throughout the entire trip we’d been slowly gathering information from Niall, although the only thing that we were almost certain of is that Niall remembered that Liam said he was driving up to the island that night, and that Niall had no idea who Liam was talking to on the phone.

“Is that important?” Louis asked. “I mean, what if that person was planning on-“ he stops himself midsentence, but it’s already sunk in. We all knew.

“Can we just…piece it together when we get there?” Niall had said, his voice strained as he placed a hand behind his head, which was still rested on my leg. He sounded tired and guilty, as he knew that there could be a chance that this whole thing was for nothing. But really, the only reason we were here was because we all had that little sliver of hope tucked inside of us, and that somehow my sliver had suddenly grew larger than the rest of us. Convincing me that somehow Liam would just appear once we reached this destination.

 

“Yeah, I guess we do buy tickets,” Harry says, unbuckling his seatbelt. He hops out of the car and we all watch as he walks over to the small ticket booth beside the road. He comes back in seconds with a little slip of approval, and he smiles a little as he waves it in front of us. Louis leans over and kisses his cheek when he’s back in his seat, because god knows why but it still makes me glance down at Niall to see his reaction. He’s smiling.

“Pull up more, Lou” Niall says, fingers wrapped around the back of Harry’s seat as he looks forward onto the ferry. The manager of the ferry is busy helping cars next to us pack in like sardines into the small area of the boat. Louis does what Niall says, until there’s literally no more space for him to go.

“Now what?” Louis asks, looking around at the cars packed around him.

“We can go up top, right?” Niall says. “I mean, I haven’t been on a ferry since I was eleven, I don’t remember…” Niall says, almost embarrassed. I look to him, at his wide blue eyes and disheveled hair.

“Sure,” I say, with a small nod. We squeeze out of the car and by the small case of stairs by the side of the ferry. The metal makes a loud clank as we walk up to the viewing part, and from the clanking steps behind us, I have a feeling other drivers are doing the same.

They have benches wrapped around the upper part of the ferry, all painted bright white but turning brown with rust. The wind whips our hair and we all feel a little exhilarated by the smell of the breeze and the crispness of the cold.

“Should’ve brought better jackets,” I say, as we all get ourselves settled into the bench. Harry holds onto both sides of his thin coat.

“Yeah, we should’ve. ” he says, nodding quickly, his teeth chattering a bit. Louis takes this as his cue to burrow himself into Harry, until the two of them don’t even look like separate people.

The sun is gone from the sky now, but it’s not dark enough that we can’t see the island. It looms, large and black on the horizon, and after we realize how slow the ferry moves, Harry adds, “I could swim towards that thing faster than this”. Niall chuckles, and when I hear him, my chest starts to feel warmer than it did before.

“Why would Liam want to come here in the winter?” Louis asks, his chin peeking out from over his zipped hoodie. When I hear his name I suck in a breath. None of us really know what to say, because none of us know and we never talk about Liam, never directly, but all of our eyes are trained on Niall. Louis question seems pointed at him, anyway.

The question ends up going unanswered, and we just relax into the whipping of the wind as the ferry slowly brings us closer to the island. Niall ducks his head into my shoulder and I realize that if I keep my fingers near my mouth it’s not as nearly as horrible as it could have been, and my breath warms them and gives me something to do on our way there.

When we see that we’re almost at the dock we shuffle up from the bench and realize that there’s other people up here as well, some pointing at lighted streets that they can see through the trees on the island. Other’s are just sleepily huddled together under blankets, and I feel their eyes watching us as we descend the stairs.

Louis cranks the heat when we get back to the car, and we all simply sit there complaining about our numb faces and how stupid it is that it’s September and that this is what it’s like when this morning it was perfectly warm.

“Is Wisconsin really that north?” Louis asks. I laugh a bit. “It’s only hours away from where we came from, Lou. Wisconsin isn’t a whole other universe,” I say. Louis grunts, while eyeing me.

“Seems like it,” he murmurs.

We pull out of the ferry after almost colliding with a minivan, and soon enough we find ourselves back on solid land. It’s confirmed when Harry shouts “dry land!” out the window and a couple on the street turns and looks at us.

The island is only about 30 square miles, or at least that’s what it says on the sign, so there’s a main road of shops and that’s it. That’s what Niall says, at least.

“The rest is just forest. People move here to get away from other people, pretty much.” Niall says. We look down the lighted roads, looking for someplace to go.

“Should we eat before we find someplace?” Harry suggests. There’s an enthusiastic yelp from Niall that makes the rest of us laugh as Louis pulls into the only café. It has a bright sign that shows a little moose and a burger, and there’s guitar music and sweet smells wafting from the ajar door. It seems like the busiest place on the street, and as we walk towards it, we can hear waves of laughter and talking inside.

When we walk in it seems like everyone there freezes. Eyes turn for a moment, conversation seizes, or at least that’s how it seems. I can feel my anxiety raise in that moment, but then eyes are back on their meals and we’ve melted into the rest of them. There’s a bar here, and Louis leads us over to it, where people are seated all the way down the row. There are pictures covering the walls in here everywhere, not a single place left untouched. It seems personalized, like somebody’s life is plastered to the walls. Louis takes a seat and there’s only one, but he doesn’t seem to notice that we all just stand around him.

A tall girl with short, red hair is pouring a drink two stools down from us, and soon she sees us sit down, she smiles at us, a flash of white teeth and a nose-piercing.

“One sec,” she says, placing the pitcher back under the counter. She walks over to us, and I see that on one side her bangs fall to her eyes and a small strip of blonde peeks out through the red.

“What can I get’cha?” she asks, with another flash of white teeth. Louis smiles right back.

“Just four cokes, please.” he says, wiggling four fingers. He doesn’t even need to ask what we need; Louis wouldn’t have if we asked. The girl nods, and points up to the price board wordlessly, then goes to get the drinks. Louis pulls out his wallet and wordlessly gets the five dollars, placing it on the counter.

“Where are we going to stay?” Niall asks.

“Saw an inn across the street, hopefully we can just stay there,” Louis says, running a hand through his hair. I see in his eyes that he’s completely exhausted, rubbing his hands across his face.

The girl comes back with our drinks, and places them down wordlessly before sweeping the money towards here across the counter.

“Excuse me,” Louis says, straightening in his seat and eyeing the girl. He no longer looks tired. She looks up.

“Yeah? What do you boys want now?” She says a little sarcastically, her eyes flickering to mine but then back on Louis. Lou points behind him out the front door.

“The inn across the street. Any idea if they’ve got some rooms?” he asks. The girl sort of twists her face, eyeing the inn that we can see out the front door.

“Highly doubt it. It’s a weekend, and Bruce will barely have any room to walk through,” she says, with a slight laugh. Louis rubs a hand across his face again. “Why, are you staying long?” she asks. Louis looks back at the rest of us.

“Not sure how long we’re staying, actually.” Harry says. “But if there’s no rooms, I guess we’ll-“ The girl stops him.

“Well you can come stay with me. I live only, like, a mile away. My shift ends in fifteen, I can just lead you there.” she says with a nod. All of our faces probably look a bit shocked, like we’ve been slapped.

“What? I’m not that scary-looking, am I?” she says. We all try to laugh.

“Sorry…I mean, that’d be awesome, thanks” I say. She nods again, flashing a smile.

“People are always complaining about no rooms here. I’m pretty much the second motel,” she says, which makes Niall chuckle from behind me. “Plus, you guys don’t seem too creepy” she adds, before she’s called away to another customer.

“Uh, thanks?” Niall says quietly. I turn to him and bump him with my arm. He grins back.

Louis spins around to face us in his chair. “Problem solved” he says, lifting his straw to his lips.

 

In fifteen minutes it’s almost shocking to see just how many people can leave a restaurant, and just how bare it can look without people milling around, laughing and shouting.

“Shocking, huh” she says to me, looking out at the empty tables and booths. A couple people dressed like her are wiping tables, but those are the only people here but us. The girl undoes her apron and tosses it over the counter.

“Ready to leave, boys?” she says, turning around. The rest of us were just finishing our cokes, and we all gratefully stand up. “And I can’t keep calling you boys.” she says with a small laugh.

“I’m Louis.” he says with a small wave of fingers. Harry smiles widely.

“Harry,” he says cheerily.

“Niall,” he says, a little more quietly than the other two. The girl turns to me, and I try to smile as friendly as I can. Which, Louis had told me months ago, looks like a grimace.

“Zayn.” I say. She nods to each of us.

“Well, great to meet you, I’m Rylie.” she says with a wave. “Now let’s get out of here.” she says, walking out the door.

As we’re following Rylie to her house, Louis narrows his eyes at the road.

“Is it just me, or is the road getting thinner?” He asks, which makes the rest of us look up. The street did in fact get thinner, than disappear all together, replaced by gravel and tall grass sticking up on either side of the car. The whole forest seemed to swallow us whole, only the red lights of Rylie’s car to pull us along.

Rylie’s house doesn’t impress us much. I don’t know what we were expecting, but I somehow feel like her house is a letdown. A perfectly large sized house, two stories in the middle of a forest, or at least that’s what I can see in the darkness. But the car’s headlight’s show plain light blue siding to the house and a long deck wrapping around the front. Rylie’s car stops in front of the front door on the deck and so does Lou, pulling in next to her. We all simultaneously hop from the car, looking for the things we’d packed from staying at the hotel back down south.

“Here it is,” Rylie says, gesturing to the house. We all toss our backpacks to our backs and she smiles. “Come on, my Mom’s probably gonna want to know who’s here this time,” she says. We walk up the steps, Niall tripping a bit and laughing as we help him, and then step through the door.

The ceilings are high and there are granite countertops and it’s not at all what we were expecting. The outside was definitely deceiving. Rylie’s house is very open and warm and as soon as we walk in I feel as if I’ve just walked into an old friend’s house. A woman turns around that sort of resembles Rylie, but lacks her wide eyes and wild hair.

“Who’s this?” she asks, leaning over the counter between us. Rylie turns to us. “Louis, Harry, Niall, Zayn.” she points at each of us as she says our names. I am impressed. “Met them at the bar. They need somewhere to stay.” she says, smiling at us.

“How long were they planning on staying?” her mom asks skeptically. Harry pipes up from behind me.

“Just a night, we promise.” he says, and the rest of us nod. She suddenly smiles.

“I’m kidding, you’re welcome to stay as long as you like,” she says, walking over to the steel fridge. I could hear all of us collectively breath out. “Anyone want leftovers?”

The couches in the loft of Rylie’s house are comfortable and we get our own bathroom and Mrs. Fletcher ends up being one of the friendliest people we’ve ever met. After Mrs. Fletcher learns our names it’s like we’re instantly family, and by midnight Harry and Louis are both talking to her about their relationship like they’ve known her for years, lounged in the living room over a bowl of chips and Mrs. Fletcher leaning towards them as they chat on. Rylie, Niall and I are laughing over Niall’s laugh, which he hates but Rylie loves. Then when her mascara starts running from laughing so hard it just starts us up in another fit, until we’ve nicknamed her raccoon and she play-slaps each of us.

Then finally at two in the morning we all realize how exhausted we are and Rylie and her mother leave into another hallway and we walk upstairs to the loft. Harry and Louis get themselves fit onto one couch and none of us protests, Niall and I draped over the other one. We’re not that great of mates to sleep as close as Harry and Lou, so Niall tucks his legs up to his chest and closes his eyes at one end of the couch while I lean my head on my hand and do the same. The lights are flicked off and I close my eyes, realizing how crazy it is that we’re spending the night at a stranger’s house and that tomorrow we might find Liam.

 

Niall should have known I’m a light sleeper. I feel the blankets move and my eyes snap open to see Niall’s shadow moving to get up. I watch as his figure moves towards the stairs to go back down to the main floor. I sit up, and I feel like the entire earth can hear it when my feet hit the floor. I swear under my breath and the floor creaks as I walk after Niall.

“Ni?” I whisper-scream down the hall. Silence.

A wave of panic washes over me as I realize he’s done it again. He’s gone. I’ll walk down there just to see him unconscious on the floor. I should have known, really.

I continue down the stairs until I can see a light on in the kitchen, and as I turn the corner and into the light I see Niall’s mess of hair illuminated by the light of the fridge. I feel myself exhale.

Niall turns to me, eyes wide and mouth a bit open as he looks a bit like a deer in the headlights.

“Zayn?” he asks, as I step into the kitchen.

“You woke me up,” I say, walking over to him. He pulls a bit of a half smile, and goes into the fridge again.

“At least you could sleep,” he says, a little pointedly. I pull myself onto one of Rylie’s stools and face him while he’s examining a tupperware container filled with something.

“What’cha mean?” I ask. Niall sighs loudly, and I hope that he doesn’t decide to wake anyone else up.

“Well, it’s hard to sleep when you think you may go back into mental shock when you close your eyes,” he says quickly, and I notice that the lighting in here casts deathly shadows on his eyes and he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. He probably hasn’t.

“You’re on medication, Ni. The doctor said you’ll be fine.” I say, trying to soothe him. He puts back down the container.

“Yeah, well the therapist said the same thing, and look what happened.” he says. I gulp, because he doesn’t know that every time he mentions it I go a little bit more insane. It’s honestly been too much for one day, and my head can’t take any more Liam. 

Niall notices my silence and takes it as his cue to pick up half a sandwich in the fridge and begin to chew. I place my head down in my hands, just exhausted but too tired to move.

“You know we might have wanted to eat that,” I hear a voice say from the hall. Rylie’s red hair is caught by the light as she walks toward us, her blouse from earlier replaced with a baggy sweatshirt and camo sweatpants. I hear a thump behind me and realize that Niall has dropped the box the sandwich was in and is bracing himself against the counter, shame flickering in his eyes.

“Oh, uh, sorry,” he says, and rushes to get the sandwich back inside the box. I hear a soft chuckle behind me.

“It’s fine, Niall. I’m kidding. I don’t even like tuna, anyway.” she says, leaning over the counter with me. She turns to me, wide green eyes shining and her mouth tipped up into a smile.

“Why are you two awake?” she asks.

“Niall woke me up.” I say quietly, my voice unsteady. Niall nods.  
“I couldn’t sleep,” he says, rubbing his eyes. Rylie sighs.

“Couldn’t help overhearing what you two were saying,” she says, passing by Niall and opening the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water. I can hear my heartbeat picking up as I eye Niall.

“Do I want to know?” she asks, taking a large swig of it. Niall turns to me and gives me a pained look. “I mean, you don’t have to. I don’t even know you,” she says honestly, sipping again. Niall breathes out and leans against the cabinets.

“You really don’t want to know,” Niall says, rubbing his hands over his eyes. There’s ten seconds of silence as I just sort of stand there, because I never know what to say and never will.

“A couple weeks ago I went into a sort of coma, uhm, a sort of mental breakdown,” Niall says. That takes Rylie aback, as she walks over to the kitchen table and sits down silently. “And uhm, I didn’t wake up till about three days ago. It’s…it’s been hard,” he says, and I see in his face that he wants nothing more than to curl into a ball right then and there.

“…oh,” Rylie says quickly. She looks Niall right in the eye. “Why did you have a mental breakdown?” she says, proving my theory that Rylie has absolutely no filter.

That one takes Niall by surprise. I hate to just stand there and watch him struggle with an answer, but I do. My mouth feels like sandpaper.

“Our friend, Liam. He…he went missing a while ago. And I don’t know…I just…” he trails off and I notice he’s got his eyes fixed on the floor. I finally find my voice again.

“That’s why we’re here. Niall said that he remembers Liam saying he was going here before he went missing or something. And…no one had any leads before. And now that we do…we came here to look for him,” I say, slowly. I didn’t want to say that much, but it just came out. And now Rylie is leaning forward in her chair, eyebrows knitted together and her lips slightly parted.

“Well…that explains why you’re here,” she says after a while. Niall’s face is pale white, and I watch him to make sure he’s still on his feet. “and, you know I’ll help you guys,” Rylie says. “I know this island. If he’s here, I’ll find him” she says. For a second, I’m not sure whether she means him or his body.

 

Niall and I go to back to bed after that. There’s no good way to end a conversation like that, and Niall was going all tense, so Rylie told us she’d see us tomorrow and hugged us and we went back upstairs silently.

Niall ends up nestling himself up against me before he goes back to sleep, his hand resting on my chest, but I welcome it, gripping his wrist as I doze off, keeping him here, resting my head against his.

 

 

“Mom, we’ll be going out for the day,” Rylie calls from the hall to the kitchen. We’re all bundled up in coats we were smart enough to ask Rylie for and Louis’ packed more beanie’s than we could ever need. I watch as Louis puts on Harry’s for him, pushing his curls up and tucking in a few stray hairs. I turn away when Louis kisses his nose.

We decide to take Rylie’s truck out for the day. When we all are piled in the backseat and Niall is up in the front with her, she turns to us.

“Where to first?” she asks, glancing at each of us. She then looks at Niall.

“Do you remember anything else about what he said? Any location?” Rylie asks directly. I see Niall’s face slowly turn white again as he struggles for an answer. He’d been this way when we explained to Louis and Harry that Rylie knew about Liam when we woke up in the morning. They weren’t upset; in fact they seemed to be glad that Riley knew. I guess they had taken a liking to her more than I had thought, because they had just nodded and went on getting dressed and brushing their teeth, hips bumping in the bathroom as they shuffled past each other. I guess I’d expected more of a reaction than that.  
“No,” Niall manages to croak out. Rylie exhales and turns back to the wheel.

“Well, I guess we’ll just start driving, and looking.” she says with a tiny frown I can see through the rearview mirror. I feel myself make fists. The sliver of hope that had grown in the past couple days shrinks down a little as I think This was a stupid idea. Liam’s not here. I was stupid to drag everyone here.

But my lips keep quiet and we start to drive anyway.

 

The island isn’t large. There aren’t that many places to hide out in the open, and the only places we hadn’t driven were directly up people’s driveways and into the deep parts of the forests.

“We should head to the beach,” Rylie says, taking a sharp turn onto another thin road.

“Sure, but…don’t you guys have speed limits?” Louis asks, as Rylie presses hard on the gas, the truck whirring loudly. She sort of snorts.

“Not that I’m aware of,” she says, rolling her window down more so her fringe gets caught in the breeze. I feel myself start to smile, as I realize I’m thankful that we met her.

 

The beach is cold, and it’s not at all what I imagined. Rocks line the entire shoreline and the bitter wind whips at our faces. Harry is literally gripping my arm for support as the wind blows him back.

“See anything?” Niall calls from behind us, struggling to step over the rocks without toppling over. We continue to walk on, eyes peeled on the treeline for something, some clue that might help us or something. We all just silently agree to not even mention the idea that we could find something we don’t want to. Like a body.

In my mind, this little vacation I had come up with would just be fast and we would find Liam in minutes. Somehow, I had convinced myself that he’d be waiting on the shoreline for us, arms outstretched, his smile wide and crinkling his eyes. Somehow, my body stops moving.

“You ok?” Harry says, coming around from my back and placing his hand on my shoulder. I turn to him and try to hide the blush in my cheeks.

“Yeah…” I say. Harry keeps his eyes locked on mine.

“You sure?” he asks. It feels a lot like back at the hospital, Niall still asleep and in the unnatural cleanliness of the white room and the white lights hot against my skin. It’s still the same because I’m still hunched over, still won’t look him in the eye, still am an insecure wreck.

“Yeah,” I say, and keep walking, even though I’m still ducking away and numb.

It’s kind of like how I’ve been dealing with everything lately.

 

It’s Niall who finds it.

I hear him screaming.

 

My body reacts before I have time to process it, sprinting over to where I last heard the scream. My body still reacting, my arms go around his midsection and just clutch him there, eyes slammed closed as I scream in my head no,no you can’t and realizing I’m saying it out loud. I hold him tighter, almost realizing no time has passed whatsoever since we were under those trees, his muscles taut and Harry and Louis running through the bushes. That he’s gone again. Maybe this time for good. I can feel myself starting to fall, when I open my eyes.

My mind goes blank, and my eyes stay open though I want them shut. My breathing is tough and rigid and I see a little puff of smoke going out in front of my face from the cold. Niall is shaking beneath me.

It would be hard not to see the body bag four feet from my face.

 

 

The blanket is warm around my shoulders and the cup hot in my hand. The room has soft lighting and smells like cinnamon and I could almost be enjoying myself if the things that are going on around me weren’t happening. There is a police officer in Rylie’s house. He’s tall and skinny and needs to shave. He looks at Mrs. Fletcher intently with his little notepad, nodding at some points. She’s pretty loud, so I can hear every other word she’s saying even from across the large room.

“They’re just staying here for a couple days. They came here to uhm,” I can see her lean over to the police officer and continue quietly. But I know that Rylie told her. It would be hard to explain to your mom why you found a body on a beach without explaining why you were there in the first place.

Niall has been sleeping for a couple hours upstairs in the loft. Harry’s watching him up there, making sure he’s ok, and that he’s not crying too much. Louis is on the couch, bag of chips in hand, silently eating chip after chip, eyes locked on the huge bay window opposite of me. I had been watching him for a while, as the police officer arrived and Mrs. Fletcher and Riley had started speaking to him, voices low, eyes flitting over to us on the couch. Probably regretting ever letting us into their house.

The police had already identified the body. It’s not Liam. If it was I don’t know how I would’ve gotten up off that beach. I probably would’ve been just like Niall, muscles locked and eyes shut tight. Forbidding the world to reach me. Blocking out thoughts, and dreams, and everything. It would honestly be better than knowing that my best friend’s body was in front of me.

But I know that it could happen soon enough, on a different beach or somewhere else, Liam could be dead, just waiting for me to find him, and to finally lose it. Him disappearing was the start of the crack in my armor, and I’m slowly starting to break all the way through.

I let out a small, pained sound and throw my hand up to my mouth, blocking out the noise. My eyes turn to Louis, who is looking back at me. He holds my eyes for a second, and I get the first good look I’ve had at him in a while. His hair is messy and his eyes are wide, a large, red, angry love bite on the side of his neck. His eyes look tired and angry and I want him to turn away.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, a little too pointedly. Probably because he’s asked the question thousands of times and he knows what’s wrong. We all know what’s wrong.

We don’t say it. We don’t discuss it. We don’t tell each other how he’s slowly ripping us apart. That’s why we’re this way. Confused, unconnected, and distant. Yet attempting to cling to each other for support throughout the midst of this.

That’s why when Louis asks me this, it’s my automatic response.

“Nothing,” I say. Because even when sometimes we can bring him up and talk for a little while, it’s never an open subject.

He’s just the poison in our minds that never leaves.

 

Aaron Samuels. Rylie and her mom sit us all down on the couch the next day and tells us his name. The police had gotten the body tests back from the mainland. He died approximately three days ago. Gunshot to the head. Stuffed in a body bag by gloved hands and left under a rock on the beach shores. Apparently locals say that that he was staying there for two nights with three of his roommates from collage. Nobody knows where the rest of his roommates are now.

Three fingerprints were found. Two on the body bag, one on the body. They’re still identifying them. And after we’re told this, Rylie sits, staring at us, the usual spark in her eyes gone.

“And I drove out there with you guys just to see…if maybe there was a chance that Liam would be there…but I think we can all agree that we shouldn’t keep looking,” Rylie says. There’s a moment of harsh silence between all of us. I know that everyone is blaming me for making us come out here. Niall just had the memory. I was the one that took it too far.

 

The ride back on the ferry is restless; the ferry feels like it’s moving too slow and we’re all cold on the top, wind whipping our hair back. The drive home is even more quiet. Louis puts in the CD I made, the one with all our favorite, nostalgic songs, but it doesn’t work like last time. It just brings back the memories of us on our way to the park where everything started. We all don’t know what to say. So we don’t.

 

And when we get home, we settle into our normal routine, the way it was before we decided to take that trip to the park. We all make small talk and move around the flat, going through the motions of each day. Numb. And quiet. Really, the only thing that has changed is that Niall has to go for weekly checkups at the doctors and his parents visit more often than before. But really, we’re all the same. Back to before.

All waiting to hear something, but until then, just waiting.

It’s hard. Because Niall is back to his old nightmares and screaming through the night, until I have to go into the room and wake him up, and hold him there until he falls asleep again.

It’s hard because Louis’ temper has gotten shorter, and Harry has to be extra delicate around him at night because that’s when Louis gets really touchy. And sometimes they fight late at night, while Niall is out and I’m in the shower, or when I’m trying to sleep. They don’t even fight over actual things. Just stupid things that turn into raised voices which turns into screaming.

And Harry’s been moving in his sleep. Making strange noises across the room and waking me up. Even from the other room, I could hear Louis’ soothing voice and Harry waking up in tears. It was then when I would bury my head under my blankets and wish for it all to be over.

I haven’t gone that far; I haven’t screamed out loud in the night or thrashed in my sleep. But we all know that I’ve become even more unsociable, and distant. I can feel it in me.

We’re all getting worse.

 

When suddenly over cold pizza and root beer Niall says it.

“I haven’t been wanting to tell you guys this, but I’ve been seeing things.” he says. He’s quiet and keeps his head down afterwards.

“Seeing what?” Louis asks, his voice a little uneven. All eyes are locked on him, and Niall knits his eyebrows together.

“I’m not even sure. Just, every night since we’ve been home…I just…see him. I see Liam.”

Nobody moves. It’s been a month since we got home, and not once did Niall mention this. My pizza is still halfway to my mouth.

“Well…Niall…maybe that’s just your way of coping,” Harry says gently, his hand going out to reach for Niall’s. But Niall rips his away.

“No. That’s not what I mean.” he says. Now he’s looking up, and suddenly his blue eyes find mine.

“I mean they’re not memories, I know the difference…I mean that I see him, I see what’s happening to him. I think that when I thought I remembered Liam talking on thw phone, it wasn’t a memory at all…it was what was actually happening. Or…that’s what it seems like…” he says, and I can tell that he’s already doubting himself. But I’m starting to sit straighter.

“What?” Louis asks.

“Niall…try to explain what you see,” I say. I can feel myself starting to lean forward.

“I…I don’t know…” he stops. But I lean forward more.

“Please…” I say.

Niall puts his head in his hands. Then speaks. “A couple nights ago I saw him in a car. He looked tired…and his eye was black…and there were bright lights moving past him like car lights, and then he started to cry-”

“Niall…you were dreaming.” Louis says. But his voice is shaking, jaw is set and glaring at Niall.

And Niall goes to open his mouth again. But stops.

“Yeah. You’re right.” he whispers.

I look at each of them. Louis is still looking at Niall, Harry only looks down, and Niall stares somewhere in space, eyes wide and mouth set in a straight line.

I can feel my chest start to lift as I look at Niall’s eyes.

“Do you think you know where he is?” I ask. Niall looks at me, his mouth falling open a little.

“Uh…” he starts.

“Zayn. Just…just let it go.” Louis says sharply. I turn to him.

“Louis, this could be it. We could find him,” I say quickly, my leg starting to shake involuntarily.

Louis shakes his head once. “Yeah, and you said the same thing about Washington Island, Zayn. And that was only a waste of time,” he says. I feel my face starting to go hot. I want to shoot back at him, saying that it wasn’t a waste and that it helped us, but I can’t. Because he’s right; it was all my fault. And he’s right. We went all the way there with only a slimmer of hope, and found nothing. And this…this is even less hope than last time. But my mouth speaks before I can think.

“If Niall thinks that there might be a way for us to find Liam, then we should listen.” I say. Harry buts in.

“But Zayn, maybe we should just let the police handle it…” he says quietly. Things go very quiet for a minute. Then I look down again.

“I just…if there’s a way to find him…I will find him.” I say. And after I do, I realize just how true it is. I would.

 

Niall puts his head in his hands again.

“So, you’re saying you see visions or something,” Harry says to Niall. He sort of nods.

“I guess. Like I’m there with him…watching. It doesn’t feel like a dream. It feels like I’m actually there. It’s….really hard to explain.”

 

Things go very quiet.

 

“Well…that’s mental, mate.” Harry says. But his eyes have gone bright. “But I think that we should listen to you.” he says.

I look at Harry and finally put in another bite of pizza. Niall looks up.

“Really?”

“Well, unless you’re lying of course.” Harry says with a small smile. Niall giggles a little, but then it’s quiet.

“You honestly think that you’re having visions,” Louis asks skeptically to Niall. But he looks interested, his eyes wide and brows arched. Niall subtly nods.

“Why didn’t you tell us before?” Louis asks.

“I just…I didn’t want to seem crazy,” Niall says, ducking his head. Harry reaches over and ruffles Niall’s hair; something he hasn’t done in over a month.

“We’ve all gone crazy, haven’t you noticed?” he says. Which all makes us give a breathy laugh. But it’s true. We’ve all started wasting away.

“Well, do you know where Liam is?” I ask, probably sounding too desperate.

Niall looks at me, and shakes his head slowly.

“No. But maybe I’ll see him tonight. Maybe I’ll figure it out.” he whispers. We all sort of nod, and are unsure of what to do with ourselves after that. It’s a moment that we’d never thought we’d come to. But we have.

 

Two nights pass. And Niall sees nothing while he sleeps.

“I swear, they were happening every night. Up until two nights ago, when I saw him walking into a house, with a white door, and black shutters. That’s when I woke up. And now, I just don’t see anything.” He says, with a desperate kick at the cabinets. Louis walks in, carrying in takeout from the garage.

“Hey, watch those. They’re mum’s.” he says, which just makes Niall just push a hand through his messy hair.

“It just doesn’t make sense, Zayn. Right when I think I have him, he’s gone.”

Niall has never been this forward about it. His eyes aren’t looking away from mine and he’s standing up straight, eyes large and worried and I feel myself swallow.

I’m not good at talking at times like these. So I go over to the other side of the counter and I help Louis get dinner ready. I hear a whine from the other side of the room as Niall flops down on the couch, defeated.

 

 

It’s at exactly one in the morning when I’m shaken awake.

“Zayn!” A sharp hiss of a word against my ear. My eyes open and my body reacts before I do, jerking back and hitting my head on the headboard. Niall’s eyes are bright and his breathing is panicked.

“Zayn, are you awake?” he asks. I attempt to sit up, but I realize Niall is leaning over me really far and I can’t move that much.

“What is it?” I ask. Niall leans back a little.

“I saw Liam. We need to leave. Now.” he says quietly, standing up and leaving me on the bed, stunned.

“What?” I ask, because my mind is still sleeping and Niall isn’t making sense.

“I saw him again. We need to leave…now. I’ll explain on the way,” he says, and he’s looking around my room for what, a sweatshirt? He picks one up and pulls it over his head.

“What about Lou? And Haz?” I ask quietly.

Niall stops trying to put on the sweatshirt for a moment to nod.

“Yeah. Get them too.” he murmurs, and finally gets the thing over his shoulders. “Tell Harry to pack a backpack with food and stuff. We’ll be gone for a day.”

Niall hasn’t been this forward about anything, well…ever. So now that he is, I’m going to listen. Even if this could all be some crazy mental thing that he’s made up for himself. But I’m not going to think like that now.

“Zayn, put on a shirt.” I look over at Niall to see him smiling at me, and I realize I’ve slept in just my boxers.

“Oh, sorry.” I say quietly, hiding my blushing cheeks in the shadows as I reach down for some clothes.

“It’s fine,” Niall says, a little breathy laugh afterwards. I slip on an old t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and slide past Niall to open the door. Before I can reach for the handle, I hear him.

“Thanks for believing me, by the way.” He says. I turn to him, his blonde hair bright in the light from the window and my maroon jumper too big on him. I don’t know how to react. So I just give a slight nod. “Like, no one else did when I said I saw him talking about Washington Island. But you did.” Once again, I just nod. “And even now, you’re just so eager to help, and…yeah. Just, forget it.” Niall shakes his head and looks to the floor. A moment of silence passes through us as my hand still hovers for the door knob.

Then I grab it and pull the door open.

“Well, you’re welcome.” I say. Niall steps forward and he does the unexpected; places a light kiss on the corner of my lips, just for a second, just enough to make my lips tingle and to get a little lightheaded. And then he walks past me to Louis and Harry’s door. I feel myself take in a breath, and then my cheeks get even more hot.

 

At one in the morning, you don’t really want to be driving god-knows-where in the dark to an unknown destination. Niall had yet to tell us where we were going, as he only had a tiny slip of paper with numbers written on it and his own energy to take us there.

“Will you please tell us now?” Louis asks, who has actually brought his pillow into the car and has decided that he’s going to use Harry as a blanket in the backseat.

Niall pulls out of the driveway. “Only if one of you give me directions to Chicago” Niall says, handing Harry his iPhone. Harry croaks out a “what?” as he takes it.

“Chicago?” I ask. Niall nods and takes a sharp turn. “I saw Liam. He was in another car. And they’re taking him to Chicago. They’re going on the train at 10 AM. So we have to be there. We have to save him.”

“They?” Louis asks, and when I look in the rearview mirror I see that he’s tightened his grip on Harry, who’s still gripping Niall’s phone in his hand, the bright screen illuminating his face.

“Four men. There are more, but they weren’t with him. I don’t remember their faces. But they’re bad. I’m never with Liam for long enough to hear much, but they’re taking Liam somewhere far away. And if we don’t get to the train station by 8…” he stops talking, his mouth pressed into a tight line. I watch him drive for a bit, still marveled about how much he’s changed over the last couple weeks; from practically a lifeless corpse to a strong-willed, living boy with sparkly eyes and surprisingly soft lips. But I wasn’t going to let myself even think about that.

“So you saw Liam on his way to Chicago? The train station?” Louis asks. Niall gives a tight nod of his head and pulls out onto the main road.

“Got my directions?” he asks Harry.

“Uhm…almost, yeah. You manna write them down?” he asks. Niall wordlessly hands me a pen without even taking his eyes off the road.

“On your hand,” he says firmly. I’ve never seen Niall so in control of a situation before.

 

I listen to Harry’s directions, the pen making smooth marks on my hand and Niall makes it to the highway.

 

As the sun rises at six in the morning, Harry and Louis have long past fallen back asleep, although I don’t know how. For me, this was it. This could be it. We could be coming for Liam right now. We could find him. He could come home.

“Niall,” I say after a while of silence, as the commercials start on the radio and the car fills with just the sounds of tires on the highway.

“Yeah,” he says quietly. I see him glance at me.

“You’re so determined about this,” I say. Because it’s true. He has been. I hear him chuckle.

“Yeah, mate. Unlike anything else. I know I’m right about this.” he says. After a second, I hear him take a strained breath. “At first, I thought that these visions were just stupid dreams, but it’s like Liam’s right there,” he says, tapping the steering wheel twice to prove his point. “And after a while I realized that I’m not crazy…he was just trying to get me, Zayn.” for another minute I’m left speechless by just how focused he is. We take another turn.

“Well…I know it sounds stupid, but I’ll just let you do your thing, yeah? Let you take us to Liam.” I say, and decide not to look at Niall anymore. I don’t want any more subtle butterflies in my stomach.

“Ha, you know I could be insane, right?” Niall says lightly, and it feels like before again, and I feel the growing burden of Liam growing on me, and I really don’t want to start crying right now. I manage a surprisingly convincing laugh, and whisper “I know.” I turn towards the window and let my eyes tear up because of Liam.

 

I guess I must’ve fallen asleep like that, because suddenly I’m shoved awake. I’m half-expecting to wake up with Niall’s face inches from mine at 1 AM but instead I’m surrounded by tall buildings and blaring car horns.

“We’re here,” I hear Niall say. I nod faintly, sitting up a bit more. There are flashes of red and black as different cars zoom past, and I tilt my head up a bit towards the window to try to see the tops of the skyscrapers. I’d been to Chicago before, a couple times with my family. But it looks different, maybe from the lack of sleep. The buildings seem much taller and the people much closer, the sounds even louder. I sigh and sit up, glancing back to see Louis and Harry looking up at the buildings out their windows.

Within a couple minutes we manage to get a parking spot somewhere around where the train station is, or at least I think so. Niall seems determined and fine about it, so I let him be. Harry heaves the backpack he’s packed over his shoulders and we start to walk. The one thing I hate about Chicago is the crowds, and we seem to have found ourselves in the middle of a large one at a crosswalk. I see garbage littered the streets and people shouting, girls with high heels, and here we are; four teenage boys in jeans and messy hair and baggy eyes, standing alone in the middle of one of the biggest cites in the country.

I can’t help but peel my eyes across everyone’s face that I pass, a friendly reminder that Liam could be close in my stomach. I find myself stretching my head so I can get a good look at people’s faces and then a hand brushes my shoulder. I whip my head around, not knowing how to react, but it’s just Louis, who gives me a slight nod to ask if I’m ok, to which I nod and look down.

“What time is it?” I hear Harry ask. Louis fumbles for his phone and slides it on.

“9:56” I hear him say, his voice slowly fading away as he realizes.

“Shit,” Niall murmurs and all of a sudden he’s moving, and so is the rest of the crowd. I manage to stay with them as we make our way across the street, where I spot Niall…running?

“What?” I say, mostly to myself. But then, I find that my feet have started moving too, faster and faster, the wind whipping through my hair and my lungs pumping and I haven’t done this in ages, it hurts so much, but I keep going. My jumper on his frame whips in front of me, and suddenly he’s gone; he’s turned another corner and I’m following him. I hope Harry and Louis are too. I almost knock down a group of girls in their little shorts and blouses and one of them shouts at me but I keep going.

When I reach the corner I turn and I see him, he’s slowing down to a jog. So I do too. And I hear footsteps behind me, and I see a red-faced Louis and Harry join me, heaving. When I turn back around, I stop breathing.

Niall looks at me, from ten feet away. But he doesn’t look like the Niall I saw before. This one has his hair beaten from the wind and has pink flushed in his cheeks, and blue eyes so wide and lips opened so he can heave in breaths of air . And I feel something shift inside of me, so that I can feel his lips on mine again for a second and suddenly his eyes on me makes my stomach go into a fit of butterflies, stronger than before.

 

As we walk in the train station, things get a lot less crowded and we can actually breathe. It’s smells like soft pretzels and as we speed walk to the escalator. Once we’re on, we don’t have the patience to wait for it so we end up walking up that too.

“Where are we going now?” Harry asks. Niall whips around from where he was walking in front of us and hands Louis a piece of paper. Louis holds it to his face and reads, then nods and wordlessly jogs over to the booth labeled “tickets”. Harry follows.

“What was that?” I ask. Niall is looking around, his eyes large and now crazed. He still seems breathless.

“During my vision last night. The men that were talking to Liam, they were saying Platform 6 into the phone. At 10 AM. Here. I wrote that down right when I woke up. Then I went to get you.” He turns to me, and puts on a smile, though his eyes still look petrified. “We’re so close, Zayn.” he says, letting out another ragged breath. He keeps talking, although he’s probably saying it more to himself. “I could be crazy, but he’s here, I know it.”

“Got ‘em.” Harry says from behind me, and we all just sort of look at each other and start jogging through the revolving doors.

“Over here!” Niall shouts, and points over at the big number six on a pole. The whole actual train station is loud and dark and there are people all milling around, ignoring us. I hear a train leaving and my heart jumps to my throat, but we keep jogging towards where the train must be. I’m the last one of us, a bit behind Louis and Harry in front of me, following Niall. So when I see Niall suddenly stop mid-jog and knees start to shake, and then Harry and Louis follow, Harry bringing a hand up to his mouth, I almost don’t want to turn. But I do.

 

I don’t see his face, but it is undoubtedly him. His hair is cut short and he’s in a large black sweatshirt, two tall men with him. One of them turns around for a second as they get on the train and I catch his face, a small goatee and a pair of glasses. Not the type of guy accused of kidnapping. But I guess that’s the point.

But unlike I thought I would, my knees don’t buckle and I don’t fall on my face and burst out crying. I’m just numb right now, I guess. The knowledge that I’m just as numb as I think I am just makes my head spin. I turn to my friends, my three best friends, and smile at them. Because they probably are taking it worse than me.

“You were right,” I say to Niall, and when he turns to me, he’s smiling almost too big. for his face. More than I’ve ever seen him. Misty eyed, he nods.

But then I see a flicker out of the corner of my eye and see the large train schedule flicker again. Departing it reads, and I turn back to the train. Liam has disappeared into it, as well as everyone else.

“Hurry!” I shout, and take off towards the doors. I hear dinging, is that good? I reach the platform and leap up onto the inside, turning around to see Niall following suit. I feel that same butterfly feeling when he grips my arm for support, as we all shuffle around in the little compartment, wondering where to go from there. Louis sees something, and we pry one of the train doors open.

We walk through the train car, and it’s not very crowded, but there are still eyes on us. There are two levels to the train, so I wonder for a second if Liam could be up there, but as I let my eyes fall on the people up there, I don’t see him. My eyes fall back on the lower level people, in their booths, on their phones and-

Liam.

We lock eyes and I don’t know how to react. I’d replayed this moment thousands of times in my head but now that he’s there I don’t know how to look away. Everything falls away and I just see him; he’s grown lots of stubble and he’s got a cut lip, and why do his eyes look so light? Is he wearing contacts?

I need to look away. But Liam holds my eyes, his mouth not moving, but his eyes obviously shocked. And then I see shuffling and I realize it’s the men- his kidnappers, turning around. To look at me. I avert my eyes and realize that Niall, Harry and Lou have already taken a seat in two seats facing each other, and are avoiding anyone’s eyes too. But they’re good at hiding their emotions. Especially Louis. And I’m not. Or, at least I thought I wasn’t, but when I sit down I’m able to, leaving my mouth a straight line and my eyes relaxed. I think.

“Now what?” Louis asks, leaning his head a bit forward toward Niall. Niall lets his eyes flit over to Liam once and I feel him stiffen up next to me. I place a hand on his leg and pat it once for him to calm down.

“I don’t know where they’re going. I guess we’ll just have to get off when they do.” he whispers. We’re all horribly uneasy about it, but we all sit still and keep our heads down.

 

I make the mistake of looking up. He’s not looking at me now, just leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his head down. His hair; the mop that he’s grown out and then cut a bit shorter after we’d asked him to; it was gone. He’s got a buzz cut and for some reason that hurts. But he’s right there. He’s here. I feel the tears starting to come and I push them back into my eyes.

His eyes flicker up once to meet mine, light blue instead of brown, and then they’re gone again. I could feel my breath suddenly disappear from my lungs, until I force myself to breathe again. When I look back across me at Louis, his eyes are on mine. He lifts a hand and waves it once.

Knock it off he practically screams. I stare at the floor.

 

But I look up again. Again and again and again, until finally when I look up he’s leaning over to the brawny man next to him, mouth moving quickly and quietly, and the man nods once. I watch out of the corner of my eye as Liam stands up slowly, his eyes only looking down at the floor, and then he scoots into the aisle. He’s only four feet away from my arm. I can feel his presence there. It’d be so easy to just reach out and grab him. My eyes stay glued to the floor.

And Liam gets up and walks down the aisle to the bathroom, and I dare to look up to see if his kidnappers are watching. They are.

My phone buzzes. I look down at the screen to see Louis’ number.

Stop looking, there’s more.

What.

I look up, and Louis’ eyes are locked on mine. His eyes flicker once up once and then back to mine. What did that mean; there’s more? More what?

More men here to keep Liam in check?

His eyes scream not to look, so I don’t. But I’m assuming that’s what he means.

This entire situation is insane; if we make a move towards Liam, there’s no doubt that there’s guns in each of these mens’ pockets. If we don’t make a move, we might lose him forever. So when Liam comes back from the bathroom, and sits down, it surprises me when he speaks. “What after we get to St. Charles?” Liam asks, barely audible, but I can read his lips. I know that message is meant for our ears. Why else would he have said it? The man next to him elbows him hard and whispers something into his ear. I see Liam’s hand tighten around his knee.

I’m not shocked at all when I receive a text in the heavy silence of the compartment with Louis’ message that reads Don’t act surprised when I get up. I’m going to go call the police n th bathroom. I just sort of look at Louis and nod because he’s got his determined face on, as he shuffles up from his seat and Liam doesn’t even bat an eye when Louis walks right past him to the bathroom across the train car.

 

When we hear St. Charles over the intercom we all want to instantly spring to our feet, and hurry over to the doors. But we stay put and wait for Liam to move first. As the train pulls up to a station, suddenly Liam and his holders seem to rise in one smooth, steady motion, as if they’d been all synched up to the exact schedule of the train and had risen along with it. It was then when we stood too; we were still going along with Louis’ plan of following them out of the train and then…who knows what. I honestly didn’t want to find out.

So as we sort of shakily stood up after them, pretending we all knew exactly what town we were being dropped in, we tried not to show our knees shaking as we and a couple others followed them to the doors. I take a quick glance behind me and see them; the four men all clumped by each other, each of their eyes trained on the back of Liam’s head with too severe of a stare; too much to be coincidental.

It’s then when I realize now horribly unlucky we are that this is our situation right now. Niall had been right. We’d found Liam. And now we had to follow him with these six middle-aged men…kidnappers…along with him. He knows that we’re most likely behind him. But what’s he supposed to do?

I nudge Niall with my elbow and he turns to face me, eyebrows knit together in concentration and his lips forced down into an uneven frown.

“Where we headed?” I try to ask in a nonchalant mood, my eyes trying to scream to him ‘now what? What do we do?’ but I say nothing of the sort with the fronts of the rest of the kidnappers pressed into my back in the close space of the compartment.

“Wherever, I guess,” Niall says with a slight shrug, and he says it so convincingly that I almost forget that he’s playing along. I feel a vibration in my pocket.

Just try to follow Liam the message reads. it’s from Niall, who apparently was able to text from inside the large pocket of my sweatshirt. I lick my lips and the train door opens.

There’s a flood of movement as everyone backs into the cool air, trying to get away from the claustrophobic compartment and into the brisk air. And we follow, my heart pounding out of my chest and the adrenaline still flowing through my veins.

 

Jackets pulled tight around us, we follow Liam and the six men down through the small station and into the parking lot. We try to look unsuspicious, I guess, Niall keeping a conversation between him and Louis going, but it sounds fake and strained. We delay about twenty yards behind them as I watch their every movements, but mostly Liam. Soon enough when we’re in the parking lot I see one of the tall men nod his head towards a van at the far end of the lot. We take that as our cue to follow, though veering a little left as to seem as if we’re going another way.

 

They’re only a couple paces from behind the men when suddenly Louis is reaching up and tapping a large man on the shoulder. I can see the man flinch in reaction, and then turn, his balding head suddenly bashed the opposite way by Louis fist. I can feel my cheeks suddenly flush red with the knowledge that what actually just happened… happened, that Louis had punched the man and Harry was now taking it as his queue to do the same to the man next to the balding one, hitting him square in the jaw with an uppercut and sending them both flying backwards. That’s when the shouts begin, as the four other men surrounding Liam realize that these weren’t just average teenagers following them, as two of them raise their fists in front of their faces, blocking Harry and Louis, who are doing the same. I watch sort of in awe as this all flows through just a couple of seconds, of heavy breathing as a man grips Liam’s shoulder and reaches into his pocket for what I can only assume is the gun waiting there. But the man, the one with the goatee and the thin-wired glasses that looked horribly out of place in the situation’s face suddenly twists as I watch his hand dig through his pocket, his eyes suddenly fluttering down for a second to look in both of his pockets.

I don’t even feel myself moving; just the sudden pain against my knuckles of the wire-man’s nose. I feel a sickening crunch and he screams, and I scream, and Liam rips himself away. I can see the man falter backwards a step, as I sort of heave in once, clutching my knuckles, and watch as he lifts his hand to his bleeding nose.

I hadn’t even realized that Liam was holding the wire-man’s gun until it’s in his hand, pressed against the man’s head. I feel my breath tighten within me because Liam has a gun and he looks too tough and different with his blue eyes and tight grimace and shaky hands holding the weapon.

And as quickly as the noise has started, it disappears. It’s complete silence as I whip my head around; one of the brawny men has Louis in a headlock and I should have paused at that, should have been afraid, but my terror had already filled to the very brim. Harry has his fists raised to his chin, eyes flickering back and forth between another man and Louis’ pained face. And then there’s Niall, who’s being held at gunpoint by one of the tall men, another one next to him pointing his pistol at Liam.

That’s what suddenly makes my insides freeze

 

 

All of us are freezing cold by the time our feet hit the welcome mat of the Cup ‘O Joe coffee shop. Niall hates coffee, but loves the smell, so as he walks inside I can hear him suck in a huge breath and exhale slowly.

“Love it,” I hear him say under his breath. And he always says that, every time we come here. And I turn around to him and breathe deeply with him, and we both laugh as we exhale the warm smell from our nose.

Louis’ face is tinted pink and he pulls his beanie off his head to shake his hair. “Damn, I am cold.” he says. He even releases Harry’s hand for a moment to rub his palms together.

Liam strides up to the counter past us and keeps his eyes on the menu above the counter; all written in chalk on large boards over trays upon trays of donuts and pastries. He purses his lips together as I come up beside him, my insides still frozen. I try to rub some feeling into my face as Liam orders.

“I’ll have a mint mocha with extra whipped cream,” he says, with a burst of a smile afterwards, and I feel my cheeks warm. Liam turns to me for a second. “What d’you want?” he asks, as I fix my eyes up on the board. But everything just seems too chocolaty or bitter and I just ask for an apple turnover.

“What? it’s November, I can still have them,” I say, elbowing Liam in the ribs at his gaze. He chuckles back to me.

“Always going for the sweet stuff, yeah?” Liam asks.

“You guys talking about me again?” Louis asks from across the shop. Harry playfully slaps him on the arm, but Louis rolls his eyes. “You guys have no sense of humor,” he says, coming over to the counter. He takes one glance at the menu and then one at the girl at the counter and says “We’ll have two mochas and a glazed donut, thanks,” with a nod. Harry only stands by and smiles at Louis, then at me. I pretend to be sickened by them, as usual.

And then we all find ourselves at our usual table in the corner of the shop at the window, so close to it that I can still feel the cold against the back of my neck. Niall reaches up beside me and draws a little smiley face in the condensation of the window, and leans back silently, lifting his cup to his lips. I feel my lips tugging in the corners a bit as the steams puffs over his face for a moment; because he’s Niall and he makes me feel warm.

“Breaks almost over, mates” Liam says quietly, both hands wrapped around his mug on the table. He looks to us, a single strand of hair falling into his eyes. He looks genuinely sad as he looks around to each of us. “I don’t want this break to end. I don’t want to go back to school.”

“Well stop reminding us,” Harry cuts in, straightening his back. There’s a moment of comfortable quiet as a guitar song starts over the radio and we all just suck in the warmth.

“You want to get Chinese for tonight?” Niall asks us through his cup. We all pause as we remember that it’s Friday; the weekly sleepover extravaganza; which was really every night, but Fridays were always special. I nudge Niall.

“If you come with me.” I murmur. He groans, closing his eyes.

“Hey, you want your food or not?” I ask him pointedly. He raises his eyebrows and nods silently. I smile to him.

We’re all warm and calm and happy. The sweet taste of cinnamon and apple and Niall’s familiar leg against mine. I knew that nothing could ever break this moment of bliss, right here with my four best friends. Not years of college, not moving or fights or long car rides. We could just sit here forever in our little booth at Cup O’ Joe.

 

 

The sound of a trigger being pulled breaks my thoughts and I feel my hands twitch. All my other feeling has already gone, but there’s still a constant cold and shaking in my hands. My eyes fall to my own chest and when I feel no pain, see no gaping hole within me, I suddenly feel extremely guilty as I whip my head up. I hear a scream, a horrible, bloodcurdling scream that I recognize and think Louis, and freeze, my body unwilling to move as I stare down. I hear footsteps in the distance and I know the men are running, probably with Liam, but I also hear sirens. Louis’ call went through. 

But my eyes are suddenly looking for Louis, and when I see him right next to me leaning over the ground, I’m about to scream and ask if he’s alright when I see the blood. Dripping into the concrete, and more screaming, this time from Niall. And I realize that Harry is under him.

 

My limbs turning slack, I feel my kneecaps hit the ground next to Harry’s limp body. I can’t lift my arms; I can’t do anything to help him while he’s on the ground, halo of brown around his face, large lips sucking in air over and over. His eyes are open, and he’s looking at each of us.

“Harry” Louis wails. Harry’s breathing is strained but he smiles.

“Guys, calm down. It’s just my arm,” he says quietly. Louis is crying, huge tears dropping onto Harry’s shirt as he places his hand over the hole in Harry’s arm. I don’t know how to respond.

I’ve never seen Louis cry before.

 

“Does it hurt?” I feel myself ask. I didn’t know my voice still worked. Niall’s hands fumble for his cell phone.

“Yeah,” Harry says, still a small smile on his lips. His eyes scream with pain though and Louis lets out another wail, tears falling. Harry looks to him.

“Stop, please, Louis. I’m okay.” He says gently, lifting his good arm towards Louis.

“No,” I hear Louis croak, pushing one of his hands harder into Harry’s wound, blood flowing over his hands and into the ground.

I feel myself go calm, almost too calm, and for a second I think that this must what giving up feels like, because I feel like I’m sinking into the ground and my mind is starting to not process things. I can hear Niall talking into the phone, saying “Yes, we need an ambulance too. The police are already here”, as my eyes start to go out of focus. I try to convince myself to move my arm, to help like Louis is, help with Harry, or run after Liam. Maybe it’s the smell of blood that is starting to mess with me, but I just start to get tired. So tired, that I can barely hear Niall shouting my name as stare down at the ground. There are men shouting at the back of my mind and maybe a gunshot; I’m not sure. And I feel the chink in my armor widen so much that I’m pretty sure I’d just broken it all the way through. It’s then when I close my eyes.

 

I’m shaken awake moments later, and I’m hoping that I’ll just wake up in a hospital bed and they’ll tell me I’ve had a mental breakdown and that Harry isn’t bleeding into the ground and that Liam isn’t being taken away from me again. But things don’t always work that way, because it’s Niall’s face above me as he shakes my shoulders and when I open my eyes nothing has changed. Louis is still crying, and there are still sirens blaring and blue and red lights flashing in the corners of my vision.

“Hold him! I got him!” I hear a deep voice yell and I struggle to lift my body from the ground, holding onto Niall for support. I see them now, the police cars lined up a hundred feet away on a thin road. There are officers with guns held out at arms distance pointed at Liam’s kidnappers, they’ve got them surrounded and everything, and Liam is being taken away from the group of abductors as they drop their guns practically in unison. Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see a red vehicle pull up by the police cars, it’s obnoxious lights flashing; an ambulance. The paramedics rush out of their vehicle and they’ve brought a gurney and I turn back to Niall.

“I really don’t feel ok,” I say to him. He smiles back at me, shaking his head. His eyes are red and his cheeks are flushed pink and there’s smears of blood on his hands.

“Me neither,” he says.

A rush of unknown people come up to us and go to Harry right away, and he’s responding to their questions as they try to tear Louis away from him. Louis ends up following to gurney, running after the paramedics who are wheeling it, his hand never leaving Harry’s.

A lady with small eyes and short hair asks me if I’m okay. I say yes out of reflex as they help me to my feet. But I can’t seem to stand on my own, my vision swimming and my legs going slack. Niall has to help me stand straight along with a couple other paramedics as we make the journey to the ambulance.

It smells just like the hospital, but there’s a lot more people in a smaller space rushing around, hooking Harry up to wires and murmuring things and putting Niall and I on the other side of the vehicle so they can work. Louis is still gripping onto his hand, and the paramedics just allow him to sit there along with him as he knits his brow and stares down at the curly haired mop and thin figure on the table. The massive doors are about to swing closed and drive away when I hear a shout from outside.

“You have to let me go with!” I recognize his voice and my own catches in my throat. Niall and I whip our heads to look outside and there he is, being held back by two officers only meters away from the truck. He looks taller, and stronger, though as he struggles I can see a ripple of purple bruises on his shoulder blades. I feel numb.

His eyes lock on mine, the bright blue and the buzz haircut, and finally they release him when a blond woman shouts “just let the boy come”. Immediately I don’t know how to react when Liam hauls himself up the back of the ambulance and I really don’t know how to react when he throws himself at us.

Niall is crying; I hear his sobbing next to me as each of Liam’s arms pull us together and Niall’s and my heads bump. Liam is crying too, and I only half realize that he’s here, as I feel my arms lift around him.

“Liam,” I hear Niall wail, shoulders shaking and I grip him tighter, until I feel Liam’s heartbeat so close and his entire body so warm. We stay like this, nobody wanting to move, just holding and breathing and Liam whispering our names.

Suddenly Niall lifts his head. “I’m crazy, Liam. And it’s all your fault.” He laughs a little and hiccups on tears. Liam raises his head and smiles too.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly. After a moment his eyes are suddenly locked on mine.

“Zayn,” he says, slowly and drawn out. “I missed you,” he whispers. I shake my head slowly, just taking in his artificial eyes and his split lip as I breathe the first full breath I’ve taken in a while.

“I really, really love you, mate.” Liam always used to complain that I never said what was on my mind.

Liam doesn’t smile at me, not like with Niall, but just gently nods. Our moment is torn away by the shout of a doctor on the other side of the ambulance, and Liam turns from me.

“Harry,” he nearly shouts, as if he’s suddenly remembered that one of his friends was on a gurney on the other side of the room. He shuffles up from our laps and stands, ducking this way and that through people to get to Harry.

“You can’t be over here,” someone says, but Liam just spits back with “just let me see him for like three seconds.” I feel Niall reach for my hand as we watch.

“Liam” I hear Louis croak out. There’s about three nurses in-between them but I can see both of them freeze for a second, eyes meeting. Louis bends down over Harry for a second and whispers something and then lets go of his hand. Lou awkwardly shuffles to get past people who are wrapping Harry’s arm in something and I hear Niall hiccup again when Liam grabs him. And then Louis is crying again, his face twisted. He’s on his tip toes so he can bury his face into Liam’s shoulder.

“It’s ok, Louis. I’m here,” he says softly. Niall squeezes my hand.

“You’re here,” Louis repeats.

 

Harry is rushed into the emergency room and they knock him out with some sort of medicine right there on the gurney so they can go into immediate surgery and remove the bullet from his upper arm. According to the doctor that sits with us in the waiting room, it’s a lot more serious than it seems. That makes Louis sob; which is such an unknown and horrible sound to me that I immediately go to him and let him cling onto me, trying to muffle the sounds of his crying.

I didn’t want to see any more broken Louis. I wanted to see the thin-mouthed, in control Louis that ordered our food for us and decided what we did that day. I didn’t want him curled into my shoulder, tears staining my hoodie.

 

We spent the majority of that day hugging Liam, and holding Liam, and really nothing else. We just buried ourselves in our worry and our relief as nurses and doctors and patients walked past us.

I end up having to go call our parents and tell them they have to drive up to St. Charles, telling them the basics and that we’ll explain more when they get here. And they do, towards sunset, when we’ve all been moved from the waiting room to the cafeteria and are told to eat by the doctors. Louis’ parents rush in first through the doors, their faces tear-streaked and Jay spends so much time hugging Liam that I think he actually starts to mind. Then slowly all of our parents show up, but Anne looks the most heartbroken when she comes by us. Mostly because her son isn’t there to meet her.

Liam’s parents are another story. I almost burst into tears when they reunited, as they held each other and sobbed right in front of us for nearly an hour, until they’d finally calmed down and just stood there, hugging for even longer than we’d held him. I had to leave for a long time and just stand in the bathroom, just to get away from all the tears, afterwards.

Then in the midst of our gathering a couple police officers walk in through the doors and stride over to us, and my stomach suddenly jumps to my throat.

“Are you Liam Payne?” they ask him. I tighten my grip around his midsection and his mother does the same. He nods slowly, and the police beckon him over with a finger. As he walks over, I want to shout out and grab him again, but Niall places his hand on my neck and leads me away.

 

The officer sits Liam down at one of the plastic tables and together they sit, with his little notepad, for more than two hours. The other officer talks with us about regulation with the questioning after Niall complains that it’s been going on for too long. After another half hour passes, all of our parents leave in a simultaneous group and tell us that they’re going to go get hotel rooms nearby so we can be close to Harry. The situation seems almost too familiar.

So we’re left with just Louis, Niall, and I around a circular little white table in the corner of a hospital cafeteria with a police officer, who’s beer gut is a little too big for his body.

“It’s getting dark,” I say, glancing out the window. Niall nods and fumbles for my hand again. I keep my grip tight. Louis sits next to me, back rigid and eyes staring down. I reach up and rub the back of his hair, trying to get his posture relaxed again. He doesn’t move. The officer looks to each of us, then folds his hands in front of himself.

“I’d like the tell you guys what we know of this case so far.” I suck in a breath. I’d heard the same sentence before, about five months ago when they were evaluating Liam’s case.

“I was given this,” he says, and pulls out a tan folder with Liam’s name printed on the side. He opens it, and we all see pages upon pages of paperwork and pictures.

“Up until the last month, we really had no major leads on to where Liam might be, as you all know.” Louis sucks in a breath.

“What?” he asks. The officer looks up at him, and frowns.

“What seems to be the problem?” He seems annoyed that Louis would dare interrupt his speech, as he looks down a couple times and shuffles with his notes as Louis speaks.

“They never had any leads. Not even last month,” Louis confirms, arms folded. The officer clears his throat.

“It says here that last month a body was found on Washington Island, Wisconsin. On the body bag were some unidentified fingerprints. Some were Liam Payne’s.” He flips over another page in the folder and it feels like the same had happened to my stomach.

“Wait, on the body of Aaron Samuels?” Niall asks. I turn to him.

“You remember the name?”

He whispers “Of course I do.” His eyes look large and anxious and I wonder if the name has haunted him throughout the last month. I want to ask more or maybe just stare at him some more but he turns away.

He flips through the folder some more. “Uh, yes. That was the body. The police department called a Mr. Louis Tomlinson’s address exactly a month and three days ago. They left a message on the home phone that told the situation with the body and that Liam must have been in that area. Officers were sent out to that area to investigate.” He lifts his head and gazes at us. “That sound familiar?” he asks. Louis shakes his head.

“I haven’t gone through the messages since Liam disappeared. I didn’t want it to be a call that…” he clears his throat. “That we didn’t want to receive.” I look over at Louis. He only looks down.

“Nice choice.” the officer utters sarcastically, and looks back at the files. I can see Louis shrink into his seat next to me.

“Well…we’ve identified the alleged kidnappers over the last couple of hours and I guess that by next week, we might be able to close this case.” He nods once, tightly, and leans back in his chair. There’s a moment of harsh silence between all of us as Niall still grips onto my hand, and I ignore the butterflies once again.

“I guess we’re done here,” I hear a voice say, and glancing up it’s the other officer, his uniform loose around his thin frame, and then there’s Liam behind him. My heart jumps to my throat out of habit and I have to fight the urge to jump into his arms again. Our officer stands and shakes our hands and soon enough they’re both leaving through the double doors. I let go of Niall’s hand, and regret it.

“Why don’t we try to go see Haz,” Liam suggests, and I see Louis’ body jerk next to me, straightening quickly. I wonder if it’s hitting him again. Liam wraps his arm around Louis’ shoulder and sighs.

“I love you so much, Louis.” he says quietly, so quiet I barely pick it up. But I do, and so does Niall, because we all go to him and wrap our arms around him as we walk, like some unbreakable chain of bodies gliding through the room. We all just wanted contact with his skin, with his aching body and shaved head and Louis’ small frame with feathered hair and tight mouth. Just wanting to know they’re real, and that we’re still here to know that.

Another nameless nurse tells us that Harry’s just gotten out of surgery and that we need to wait at least a couple hours until we can see him. So we find ourselves a comfy corner of a waiting room and settle in once again, a pile of bodies against the cool tile.

And Niall’s parents find us there a while later, telling us that it’s late and that they found some rooms in the nearby motel. But Niall talks back to them.

“Just let us see Harry, mum. I promise we’ll leave after that.” he sounds like a little kid. He looks like he hasn’t slept for days. I rest my hand on his back.

With a tiny smile from Niall’s mom, she helps us to our feet and takes us to the nurse. They say to give them a couple minutes to prepare him. Louis sniffles.

“It’ll be ok, Louis” I whisper to him. He shakes his head forcefully. I start to soothe him again but he cries “just stop fucking telling me that! Everyone’s always telling me that everything is gonna be ok, to be calm, to just relax. About everything. Just let me worry for once, for god’s sake…” He turns away and sniffs again. I feel as if I should be reacting more than I am, but I just stand there, frowning a little. Numb, I guess. Then he turns and pulls me into a hug, letting out one painful sob into my shoulder.

 

Another white, sterile room is where we find Harry a couple minutes later. He’s smiling and it looks completely strange with the rest of him- he’s got a bandage wrapped around nearly his entire midsection and oxygen nubs in his nose. Not to mention other various wires poking out from his hands and chest that seem too familiar. I glance at Niall for a second, and realize that he’s got that face on; the face that he wears when he’s trying not to cry. I had seen that face countless times during the last six months and it hurts that I recognize it.

“Louis,” Harry croaks out, and I don’t mind that he watches the boy stride across the room to his bedside. Or that they virtually ignore us for a couple minutes, Louis leaned over Harry’s ear, whispering and crying and hand-holding and I don’t mind watching. Not at all, really.

But soon enough I hear Harry say it through his scratchy throat- “Liam?” and he turns to see him standing not seven feet away. Harry’s reaction makes my heart stop, and then pound as Harry’s eyes turn unnaturally wide, and a tear slips down his cheek. Liam rushes over to the bed and takes Harry into his arms, and I realize that through the sound of my pounding heart is the sound of Harry’s heart monitor picking up pace. Liam sets him down and strokes his face a couple times.

“You’re home,” Harry says, as Niall and I walk over to the bed.

Liam smiles and chuckles a little bit. “More or less.” another breathy laugh. “But don’t worry. We’re gonna be back home really soon, as soon as you’re all healed up.” he says.

“Did they get the men? The one that shot-” Liam nods before he can end.

“They took them all away. And in a couple days I get to go tell my story to the police, and we’re all going to be famous and Niall will be a magical little hero and we can all go home.” Harry nods, smiling, and reaches for Louis’ arm. His eyes wander to Niall and me, and I just give him a little thumbs up because I’m horrible in situations like this and my numbness seems to be fading. I could feel tears prickling in the corner of my eyes and I didn’t want to be here when they finally spilled over.

When it finally does hit me it’s five hours later in the shower at some cheap motel across the street from the hospital. Everyone else is hopefully asleep and I have to brace myself against the shower walls, huge sobs being choked in my throat.

And I don’t know how to react; to let myself cry as loud as I want to or suck it all back in until I’m just a shell again.

I turn off the shower and collapse into the bed, not caring that I’m instantly drawn up next to Niall before I drift off.

 

 

Mornings in the hospital seem completely different than the nights. We all grab muffins and sit down at the same little table as before, but this time I’m fully awake and everything seems more crisp; more real. Even Niall’s hand resting on my thigh seems more real than before.

Louis across table jokes a little about how delicious his coffee is, but it seems strange to be making jokes in a hospital. So we all just sit around, and grip Liam, and talk to Liam, and wait. And soon were allowed back into Harry’s room and there’s more tears as Harry’s face is still pale and he’s even more out of it than yesterday. But we all just grip him tight as our parents enter the room and fuss over him too.

The entire day is spent like the last. I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep yet and neither has anyone else, and by the afternoon my exhaustion catches up with my mind and I feel myself fading on Liam’s shoulder.

“You okay?” Liam asks me, his words soft and sweet and I miss him so much even next to me.

“Yeah. Just tired.” I say, burrowing in next to him, even though a chair arm separates us.

He breathes out for a long time, and the quiet that follows seems like it lasts for a lifetime.

“I’m tired too,” he says quietly.

Of course I’m not just tired. And I’m sure Liam isn’t just tired. We’ve both been hurt, and I know that Liam’s been hurt more. He’s got a split lip and bruised body to prove it. And we don’t even know the story of how he got those yet, or who gave him it. I know we all want to pretend that it didn’t happen and just cling to him forever, but in a couple days we’re all going to be in a courthouse and we’re going to have to hear the story of the Liam we hadn’t seen for the six months.

 

Harry’s let out of the hospital three days later, and even then he’s got a huge arm cast and is still pretty pale. Louis supports his sling as we walk out to the car, helping him inside and shutting the door. Liam is patting Louis’ knee in the backseat as he fusses over Harry’s everything, asking him if he needs a pillow and whispering things under his breath. Harry welcomes it, his pale face smiling, and he kisses Louis on the cheek moments later. Niall drives, his eyes red and swollen. I don’t even remember when we was crying. We follow the line of our parent’s cars away from the hospital and onto the highway, as some pop song plays softly over the radio.

“Are you nervous?” I ask Liam, keeping my eyes on the road ahead, pretending to be interested on the line of trees we’re approaching.

“Of course,” he says, and I can tell he’s smiling in his words. I hate Liam for being so optimistic, yet I smile anyway.

 

There’s paparazzi at the courthouse two hours later and I’m shocked when I see them, in all their numbers and little pencil skirts and microphones. We’re not celebrities, and we really don’t have anything interesting about ourselves, yet people line the sidewalk leading up to the building. Harry’s still weak and as we leave the car Louis and I support either side of him and lead him up to the stairs. There’s shouting and cameras flashing, people calling out questions to Liam and even just pedestrians lined up to watch our arrival. I’ve never been good in these situations, so I duck my head and hold onto Liam’s arm with my other hand and yank him up the steps.

“This has turned into quite the scandal, hasn’t it?” A tall man with a long nose asks us when we make it through the door. I’ve never seen the man before, but he places his hand on Liam’s shoulder like he’s an old friend. “The news caught on the story and you’re pretty famous, kid” he says to Liam. Liam looks up at him, a small polite smile on his lips. Even at a time like this.

 

The six men accused of abducting Liam are all sitting in a row, a little line of orange jumpsuits and hopeless faces. Their story is told from a large file by the prosecutors and I finally learn what had happened over the last six months. I feel a large breath enter my mouth; in…then out.

Liam was taken from his driveway at around ten o’clock that night six months ago.

 

“Come on, just someone come with me,” he had whined, leaning against the doorframe. He already had on his oversized hoodie and sneakers on, and he stared at each one of us as he had attempted to put on his gloves. “Please,” he had whined again.

“No…” Louis had replied, just as whiney, leaned back on the couch. “It’s too late, and it probably won’t even be open,” Louis said. Of course he was wrong, the convenience store was open all night. But I said nothing.

“Well, I’m leaving…we cannot go another night without food,” he says, turning the knob.

“But-“ Niall started.

“Actual food, Niall.” Liam retorts, and Niall lowered his bag of chocolates he’d been eating as dinner. Liam rolled his eyes, but then looked sorry about it.

“Does no one really want to come? Zayn?” he asks, and my head snapped up. I had shaken my head quickly.

“No thanks, mate. I’d much rather eat chocolate with Niall,” I said with a small smirk. Liam smiled back and had walked out without a word, jokingly flipping us off before shutting the door.

 

And now, I realize that only moments later Liam was snatched from his driveway, after almost just getting to his car. It makes my heart pound and then drop to my stomach.

I learn from an account from Liam that he was held in a small house in Wisconsin for four of those six months, able to live in a small room in the basement and sometimes able to go upstairs.

If Liam would’ve been next to me, I would’ve gripped onto him, but Niall’s the one next to me, so I settle for him.

The plan of these kidnappers was to get Liam to California, so they could use the ransom money later on to be able to smuggle drugs overseas. Liam’s parents were rich enough to pay the ransom, and give his abductors the time and money to escape out of the country with their hoard. I zone out for most of that speech that the judge makes, and just stare at the back of Liam’s head. I couldn’t stand to hear the men’s plan for Liam and I tried as hard as I could to block out all the noise and focus on taking long, even breaths. In…and then out.

And later on the police got on their trail and they had to move Liam away from that house in Wisconsin further north into a little apartment. I try to zone out the next part but I catch the word ‘torture’ in an deep voice and grip onto Niall tighter, trying not to crack all the way through.

And then a little bit more than a month ago Liam was moved up to Washington Island for three days, where the abductors had murdered a member of their group for fear that he would squeal about their plan. Aaron Samuels, the judge says. I cringe when they say that Liam recounted having to help carry the body down to the lake. I can feel the island’s freezing wind tickle the back of my neck as I remember holding onto Niall and Riley’s shouts of asking what had happened. I can barely hear Niall whimper.

After that Liam was moved back down to a tiny house on the corner of Chicago for three weeks, where later he would be transported by train to St. Charles.

One of the kidnappers had confessed that they were going to stay in St. Charles for only two days before hopping on a plane to California. If Niall hadn’t gotten us on that train, we wouldn’t have found Liam. Probably not ever.

It seems as though as soon as I think of Niall the judge is suddenly calling out his name. I can feel him straighten up in his seat next to me and then shakily stand.

 

And then Niall recalls quietly and shaking how he had a feeling he knew where Liam was the day he had exited the hospital , and I could hear the entire courtroom burst into murmurs at that. I sink down in my seat, knowing we sound crazy.

The judge soon provokes Niall into saying the word visions and that’s when the courtroom goes nuts. I take one look at Niall’s terrified face before I huddle my head between my knees and stay there.

 

Niall is labeled mentally unstable a few days later. But he’s not in the hospital this time with smiling nurses or beeping machines. He’s lying on the couch of our flat for the first time in a week, eyes closed and smiling a little. He’d just gotten back from a psychologist and a whole panel of doctors of the like to recount his experiences with his visions of Liam and how they exactly brought us to him.

Of course they thought he was insane, and he even had the paperwork to prove it.

“They think I’m crazy,” Niall says, eyes still closed and still on the couch.

“You are,” I say jokingly, patting his knee. He sighs exaggeratedly and throws a pillow as I walk away.

Liam and Louis get back from the police station an hour later to the rest of us on the couch with bowls of popcorn. We’d been watching reruns of Indetweeners as I changed Harry’s gauze and settled him into the couch. They come in, Louis giving a grunt of frustration as he drops the keys on the counter and settles into the couch next to Harry. Liam rubs a hand over his face and stands in the kitchen for a long time.

I knew what they felt like. Harry, Niall and I were questioned by the police yesterday, and it was just like I had imagined it’d be. A lot of nervousness for no reason because they’re asking tough questions and we’re not wanting to be there. They had asked simple questions and then for my entire retelling of our story, all while they recorded it and jotted things down in their little notebooks. I remember my hand tapping the entire time, all while officers eyes watched me.

“That was fun,” Louis says tiredly and sarcastically, leaning into Harry. We all sort of nod in agreement.

“I’m officially insane,” Niall says, raising the hospital bracelet on his wrist. Liam comes over from the kitchen.

“Congrats, Niall.” He says, sitting down on the edge of the couch. There’s a moment where all of us say nothing, and we all sort of half-listen to the characters argue onscreen.

“Our life is messed up,” Harry says quietly, and we all turn to him, and his little blue sling and his chaotic hair. Louis chuckles and so do I after a moment.

 

It’s only a couple days later when I realize just how true Harry’s comment is. We’re all pretty messed up, and we’ve all changed too much to pass off. I’m still quiet, and I know it’ll probably take ages for me to go back to where I was all those months ago. Niall still fades out of conversations and screams in his dreams, only now he can wake up to Liam standing over him and cry in his arms instead. Louis is so clingy now, to all of us, always gripping one of our sides and almost never leaving Harry’s. And Harry’s always tearing up; he’s always frustrated by his sling getting in the way of everything, and he doesn’t leave us alone either.

But I’m shocked by Liam. By day he’s almost the same, still kind and playful and teasing us like he always has. It makes it easy to forget what he’s been going through and where’s he’s been for the last six months.

But at night he’s always screaming, moving and even sleepwalking into our rooms. I find him on the floor almost every night, tears on his cheeks. Doctors say that this is normal and that soon he’ll be out of the habit. The stress and treatment have caught up to him, they say.

Our parents visit almost too often and when Liam’s do they just grip him tight the entire time. He even goes home for a week and leaves us all, which is traumatic. The rest of our parents are a little more distant and soon enough we’re trusted to live by ourselves again.

The days keep going by and we finally settle into our new selves, our altered friendship finally settling into place.

 

Liam’s lip heals and his body is slowly repairing itself. Harry gets to remove his sling and only has to have the cast for a couple more weeks. I can feel myself starting to lighten a bit, the hole in myself starting to repair itself. The rest of us probably notice it, because I smile at Louis, a full on smile, and he actually staggers back a couple steps.

A couple days later Louis gets a text message from a number we hadn’t even known he had and he lets out a small laugh at it. We’re all on the couch in our pajamas and Harry asks who it is.

“It’s Rylie,” Louis says, glancing up at us. I can feel myself suck in a breath.

Niall sits up. “Rylie? Rylie Fletcher?”

“From the island?” Harry asks.

“Wait, is that the girl who you met up at Washington Island?” Liam asks. I glance at him, not knowing that he even knew we had met her.

Louis nods and glances back down at the phone.

“She’s telling me to call her,” he says, raising an eyebrow. He runs a hand over his hair and sighs.

“Then call her,” I say. He looks up at me and then stands, nodding once. We’re all left sitting, confused, as we hear Louis’ voice lift a pitch in the other room.

“Hi! How are you?” I hear from the other room. A minute of silence follows. “Really?” he asks. I feel a hand on my back and turn to see Niall there, eyes lazily watching me. His hands make slow circles and I just look back, not knowing how to reply. That’s another thing that’s changed; Niall and I. I mean, I haven’t made a move or anything, we’re just…closer. It’s not uncommon for him to pull me into a hug or sit close to me on the couch. And it’s not uncommon for me to get that subtle feeling in my stomach that I had been feeling more and more when I’m with him. But we’ve all been become closer throughout the past couple weeks. With him it’s just…different.

“Pack your things, boys.” Louis comes bounding into the room a couple minutes later. Liam leans back.

“We’re going to Washington Island, aren’t we?” he asks. Louis nods. Liam sort of groans. “I…I don’t know,” he says warily. I turn to him.

“We don’t have to,” I say.

“Oh come on,” Louis prompts, going over to help Harry up. “Just a couple days. She said we’re more than welcome.” he says, putting on a smile.

“I’m in,” Niall says, standing. I still look at Liam. I watch as he stares down, then takes a deep breath.

“Ok,” he agrees. I continue to watch him as he stands, following his stiff body down to the protruding veins in his arms.

“Liam,” I say. He looks down to me. “You know, you don’t have to go,” he says. He smiles a little, and reaches out to me.

“I want to. I want to go on a trip with you guys.” he says. But maybe in his mind he was thinking of having to carry a dead body down to the beach and being locked up in a tiny room. But I let him help me up and start packing.

 

As Louis helps Harry into the car the next day I help Liam and Niall with the bags. It’s early and the light hasn’t even reached the horizon yet, and my eyes are still foggy with sleep. Liam shuffles behind me as I toss another suitcase into the trunk. I feel another body and it’s Niall, who’s got a backpack on his shoulder before he tosses it into the truck.

“That’s everything,” he says, and Liam wordlessly goes over and hops into the car. I start to take a count of all the bags just to be sure, fingers tapping and counting under my breath, but suddenly I’m being turned by Niall’s weak arms and he’s gripping my face. The kiss doesn’t even last that long but I’m thrown back by it, not being able to appropriately form thoughts as I brace myself against the edge of the car.

Niall lets go and lets out one breathy laugh into my face. I stare back, the early dawn making his eyes look shiny and his lips a bit wet. I start to smile a little, pressing my thumb into his hip. I could feel the butterflies rising up again, choking me. But I don’t even hesitate this time because he’s Niall and we’re both crazy and I crash his lips back into mine.

Louis honks the horn minutes later and Niall and I are both laughing as another kiss ends. We slam the trunk closed and take a second to collect ourselves before we hop into the backseat. Nobody says anything at first but Niall and I are both breathing heavily and I can sense staring. I look up and Louis and Harry are both staring from the front seat.

“Were you two just making out?” Harry asks, his smile starting to widen across his baby face. Liam next to me shuffles over towards the window, and my face goes red.

“Uh…” I start.

“Yes,” Niall says quietly, and suddenly everyone’s laughing and Harry’s yelling “I knew it! I knew the whole time!” And Liam just places his hand on his face and asks “what else happened when I was gone?” Niall finds my hand and I kiss his cheek just for show. Already the teasing has begun as Louis pretends to vomit and Harry slaps him. As we pull out of the driveway Harry’s still smiling. “I am so happy,” he says, as Louis reaches the road.

“Shut up,” I say, my cheeks starting to flush pink and the chink in my armor slowly repairing itself.

 

We’re only halfway there on our trip up to Washington Island when we all decide to pause at some truck stop later in the morning. We can practically see the sun traveling over the sky as the day begins properly and we all fully awaken. Louis pulls into a spot and Niall complains about having to wee and we all agree. We shove each other like children, running wildly towards the entrance to the run-down store. We all take turns at the toilet while the rest of us roam each isle of the store, picking out gummy worms and candy and other things that Niall finds. There’s no one in there except for the cashier that practically sleeps behind the desk, so we all run down the aisles and laugh and soon enough Niall is on the ground, gripping his stomach with laughter. I end up picking him up as he giggles in my arms and then kisses me in the middle of a potato chip aisle.

Liam comes back from the bathroom by the time we’re exhausted from chasing each other around like five year olds. We pay for the food and race back to the car, Liam complaining about how he has no one’s hand to hold and then all of us going over to hug him tightly and coo in his ears.

We spend the next half hour outside of the car on a blanket Harry had packed, one with little stars on it that looks out of place on the remote parking lot. The place is still abandoned so we have the whole gravel parking lot to ourselves. We eat our feast of junk food and complain about the sun and dare each other to run to the nearest tree and back or lick the gravel. Louis and Niall have a staring contest for what seems like years and I finally interfere by throwing my body at Niall because I think I love him and because I can. He shoves me on the shoulder and Louis hops on top of me until we’re wresting on the rocks. Laughing, we roll up the blanket and toss it into the trunk as the sun reaches even higher into the sky.

But as we’re about to leave I realize that Liam’s tearing up and I go over to him, the others following.

“What’s wrong?” Louis asks, leaning up to him. Liam just grins, trying to turn away. Louis clasps on to him and turns him back. Liam looks at him, eyes wet.

“Nothing. I just miss you guys,” he says, wiping away a tear, embarrassed. We sort of stand there and hug onto him, holding him and each other. I feel Liam rest his hand on my shoulder, and I can breathe.

I know this is how I want us to be. Gripping onto each other in a parking lot, the sun baking the tops of our heads. Together. Maybe forever. I think I’d be okay with it, just me and sun and my best friends.

Maybe that’s the ideal life for me.

But what do I know?


End file.
